Goaty old European clubs long to tell Jose how much they love him, but they’re all still married to another!

In counting his suitors this week, handsome troublemaker Jose Mourinho finds a wealthy new Italian making googly eyes across the room, while long-time enthusiasts Real Madrid can barely contain their desire to be with him. Current standings in the race to win his affection are as follows:

1) Inter Milan (new entry!). “I want to leave,” said manager Roberto Mancini a week or so ago, then a couple of days later, “I don’t want to leave.” What to make of this flip-flop? Presumably this is just some fancy window dressing, as Inter have apparently made Mourinho an offer to take over but don’t want to confirm Mancini’s departure until the next manager, (Mourinho, they pray), has responded favourably to their invitation.

2) Real Madrid. Relations between Madrid and her current husband, ill-mannered teuton Bernd Schuster, have reached their chilliest depth so far, and this marriage is unlikely to last the summer. Madrid have now lost seven of 19 games, including a 3-2 defeat at home to Valencia on Sunday, and even Arjen Robben popped up to unhelpfully suggest Madrid shouldn’t have taken so many risks in trying to score the winning goal. When even the children are questioning daddy’s decisions, it’s time to turn to the mistress, the divorce lawyer or motor out to a local beauty spot with a large jar of tranquilisers.

3) AC Milan. All quiet here. Lippi was mentioned but apparently talks broke down over who had the final say so over players (Berlusconi to Lippi: not you.)

4) Barcelona. Now that they are back in the race for La Liga, thanks to Madrid’s incompetence, and are favourites to win the Champions League, the pressure is off Frank Rijkaard a little. Not that Barcelona are a model of consistency this season, though. Their heads have currently been turned by the managerial performance of former player Michael Laudrup at Getafe.

5) Chelsea and Liverpool. Thoroughly improbable, but at least one of these teams is going to be in the market for a top drawer manager in the summer, as both have said they think they will only keep their job if they win the Champions League, and at the last count, there was only one Champions League to be won.