Then hire one of his many outstanding professional impersonators

I don’t know about you, but whenever I hold a social function they are always notable by the absence of shoddy celebrity lookalikes. I’m holding a small gathering next weekend, and I really need someone to spit at me, piss in a cup, park in a disabled bay and then shout drunken profanities at the rest of the guests until they collapse in tears, their spirits completely broken. The real John Terry has a prior engagement some football game or other, but fortunately fakefaces.co.uk have come through with three different JT lookalikes. I swear that I couldn’t pick the real Chelsea star out of a lineup with these masters of deception. They must’ve undergone extensive facial reconstructive surgery to achieve such a likeness.

(If you were under any doubt as to the ridiculousness of this lookalike agency, then consider the two Jodie Marshes on their books. I’d be willing to bet my life savings that the demand for a Jodie Marsh lookalike on any given day does not exceed zero, let alone one.)

[Mad Props to Pies]