The Croxteth Massive are heading to France

This coming June, the English were supposed to be building up false expectations and placing an unbearable amount of pressure on the national side in the European Championships. Yet thanks to a few on-pitch slip-ups and the unbridling power of apathy, the most excitement we will be getting is hearing about the champagne-fuelled brawling at Wayne Rooney’s nuptials.

The big day will take place in the South of France and will cost Wayne and Coleen £3m. Worried that this expense might delay the construction of another wing on their grotesque mansion? You shouldn’t be - they’ve already sold the picture rights to the big day for £2.5m.

Coleen, clearly worried that a single day will not provide enough time for the appropriate levels of intoxication, has insisted that the festivities will last for four days, and has told friends, players and Man City fan Ricky Hatton to clear their diaries from June 10 to June 14. The thoughtful bride has also taken into consideration the fact that most of the extended families are probably serving lifetime bans from the major commercial airlines, and so has hired private jets to ferry guests to the celebrations.

Activities during the wedding trip will include a BBQ, a Champagne lunch and several other outdoor summer pursuits that will no doubt break the terms and conditions of the guests’ ASBOs.