You know the people, the ones who pop around unannounced and spend the entire evening telling you how tired they are, and how things just never seem to go their way. Wouldn’t it be great to rain a few over-the-top punches onto their moping little faces? Yeah, then they’d have something to moan about, then they’d have something to say. With that in mind, imagine the dreary dressing room that this little lot would make for.
GK Jens Lehmann
Moody Jens doesn’t socialise with his team mates, citing the big age gap as a main problem. They, on the other hand, would probably cite his ungodly whinging and arrogant manner.
DL Ashley Cole (c)
The look of utter disbelief on Ashley’s face whenever he gets booked tells you everything you need to know - he can’t believe it, why is everyone picking on him! Plus his wife just dared to get upset because he had sex with loads of other women, and it wasn’t even his fault. God, shut up, he didn’t ask to be born, you know! Our captain.
DC Younes Kaboul
Younes always seemed such a happy fellow, bounding toplessly into Jol’s arms after that great goal (against someone). But his recent huff about Ramos not giving him enough cuddles have made for a big fat grumpy baby.
DC Tal Ben Haim
Those who read The Sun a few weeks ago would have seen the pics of Tal Ben Haim in the back pages stuttering and holding back the tears, as he whimpered about how Jose was really lovely, but Avram isn’t, and he doesn’t like his new daddy, and…. big breath… he just wants to go somewhere else. What a misery guts.
UCL semi-final second leg, 7.45pm, Sky Sports 2, bet here
I know, I know, suddenly the world of sport and betting seems empty after the tragic events Monday at Discovery Cove, Florida. In case you’ve only just drifted out of a coma and are unaware of the horror, the dolphins Sharky and Tyler were performing the “victory leap” finale of their routine, yet this time they collided head-on in mid-air and Sharky, a 30-year-old bottlenose, didn’t make it, although was said to have been smiling to the end. A glimpse at message boards suggests this is the animal kingdom’s Lady Di moment, and there will doubtless be a minute’s silence at aquariums around the planet.
Still, life goes on, and performing their own head-on mid-air collision tonight are Chelsea and Liverpool. Which will be Sharky and which will be Tyler? And more importantly, human race, when will we stop this cruel practice of pushing innocent men beyond their physical and emotional limits purely for our own entertainment?
The chickendinner Wager reckons Chelsea for the victory leap, Liverpool to breathe their last in the shallow end. Disagree? Then get your money on the reds and let the healing begin.
Thirteen reasons why tonight will be unlucky for Liverpool:
* Rafa Benitez has taken Liverpool to Stamford Bridge eight times, and they have never scored a goal.
* Chelsea have never lost at home to English opposition
LA Galaxy star endures taxing interview with small red puppet
David Beckham has managed to find time away from his amateur football side in order to film an appearance on legendary children’s show Sesame Street:
“David has always been a huge fan of the show. When he was a kid he watched it and was more than happy to go on.”
In the segment, Becks talks with Elmo (who is, rather fittingly, the one with the babyish voice) about the word of the day: persistence. As a man who kept a family together despite philandering his way around Madrid like a Romantic poet conquered adversity by working his way back into the England squad, Beckham epitomises the word.
Christian Vieri’s Ex is responsible for lightening Sven’s squad
In 2006/07, striker Bernardo Corradi mustered only three goals for Manchester City, so it’s no surprise that Sven put him on a plane back to Italy earlier this season. It turns out that Corradi had been pushing for a move back to his home nation for some time, as he wished to be closer to his girlfriend Elena Santarelli. Looking at the way she scrubs up, it’s hard to blame him…
As ever, there was no time last night to revel in the joy of a Paul Scholes stonker, because while football is being played, behind the scenes people in dark suits are having business meetings, and those meetings are very important - they include “guesstimates” and “sushi”. Here’s what may or may not have been talked about in some of those sweaty deep-into-the-night think tanks:
Kamel Ghilas to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger’s team of dehydrated football forragers have once again resurfaced in their mining helmets with soil on their faces muttering like crazy people about an Algerian man called Kamel. At the moment he plays casual football for Portuguese side Vitoria Guimaraes, but next season he looks set to be entertaining Arsenal crowds, who love sexual football and Cesc Fabregas.
Antonio Valencia and Wilson Palacios to Manchester United
Yes, Ferguson will be on the hunt for bright young talents, currently dominating other first teams, to strengthen his reserves, and these two might be just the ticket. They do it week in, week out for Wigan, but can they do it perhaps once every three/four months for United when Nani, Anderson, Carrick, Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo, Giggs, O’Shea, and Fletcher are all injured? Or it’s the Carling Cup?
But it’s amateur hour in California, says Ruud Gullit
In recent weeks, we’ve seen pictures of David Beckham’s Zangief-like beard and love of cheerleaders’ derrieres, but we’ve heard abolsutely nothing about action on the pitch. FYI, the LA Galaxy are still in business, they are currently second in the Western Conference thingy, and Mr B is the club’s third top scorer with, er, one goal in five games.
It all seems pretty unspectacular out in California at the moment, and no one is less impressed than coach Ruud Gullit, who has been caught out by the LA Times telling the British Press about the two-bit operation he is in charge of:
“I’m sure that when people think of the Galaxy the picture that comes to mind is not of our staff making phone calls to friends on Friday to see if they can play in a reserve game on Sunday,” Gullit told writer Brian Doogan. “But, strange as it may seem, this is the reality.”
Which star striker will help keep their manager in a job?
Liverpool’s last five games have averaged 3.6 goals, while Chelsea’s home games this season have seen an average 2.61 goals a game. With any luck, this means that Liverpool will break their Stamford Bridge goal drought and we will see a high scoring match.
If it is to be a striker’s game, who will come out on top - Didier or Fernando? Votes and comments below, please.
Winger snubs Arsenal’s anti-English policy via bespoke footwear
A thoroughly trustworthy friend of The Spoiler has sent us a tale concerning David Bentley’s unorthodox departure from Arsenal:
When Bentley was at Arsenal, he kept putting in transfer requests which were rejected. He went on loan at Norwich, came back, and the same thing happened again.
By the summer of 2005, he was completely fed up, so had some special boots made. On one was written “English and proud,” and the other, “So I’m never picked.” The next morning at training, he called Arsene Wenger over and showed him.
Given Manchester Utd’s recent record, it’s hard to imagine Alex Ferguson savouring the prospect of meeting Chelsea in Moscow. The Red Devils will undoubtedly be praying that Liverpool can score a goal at Stamford Bridge tonight, but this is something they haven’t managed since January 2004. The bookies are offering odds of 1/2 for Liverpool getting on the score sheet, and 17/10 to make the final. Chelsea are obvious favourites, but it’s never wise to bet against Rafa and co in Europe. Check out the best punts available tonight right here on the oddschicken.
Champions League semi-final second leg
Chelsea/ Liverpool (Sky Sports 2, 7.45pm)
Snooker
World Championship quarter-finals (BBC2, 7pm)
Copa Libertadores
San Lorenzo/ River Plate (Setanta Sports 2, 11.45pm)
