Wow, what a week of football. First Liverpool and Chelsea proved that it wasn’t just a coincidence that people start gouging their own eyes out whenever they play, then Man United and Barcelona strove to make a potentially exciting game completely rubbish. Congrats guys, mission accomplished. Still, we don’t totally hate football yet, and some crazy transfer talk has been filtering in aaaall morning…

Darren Bent to West Ham
The ghost of Darren Bent has been whispered to be returning to haunt his old boss. Spurs will then spend all of next season scratching their heads and debating why there is now a spare hook in the dressing room.

Luka Modric to Newcastle
Modric could have his pick of any Premier League club this summer, but his mum has spoken to Mark Viduka’s mum, and they want their boys to look after each other next season. Luka, of course, didn’t ask to be born, and will be found moping around the centre circle with luminous yellow snot on his brow.

El-Hadji Diouf to Manchester City
El-Hadge looks Manchester bound, which, he’ll be pleased to know, is about spitting distance from Bolton.

Ricardo Carvalho to Real Madrid
The very split second that people started linking Mourinho with Inter, rumours started zipping around about who he might take with him - oh oh DIDIER DROGBA… I know I know, LAMPARD! Ooooh, Carvalho? Which seemed like a good guess, but apparently not. Word has it that the balding 1970s defender is off to sunny Spain.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic to Chelsea
The Blues’ relentless pursuit of a new striker every month has finally led them to this Swede. He could sit in between Shevy and Pizarro, bitching about Anelka.