For those who missed Britain’s Got Talent at the weekend, the conclusion was that it doesn’t… got talent. No one new came along to wow the judges, and the only real positive was the body popping street urchin who made everyone erupt into spontaneous tears of euphoria last year. In a similar vein, it looks like Chelsea have stopped looking for new stars and just want Kaka or Messi - has Abramovich secretly put Cowell in charge of transfers?

Kaka to Chelsea
Milan moneyman Adriano Galliani’s bold declaration that it would take something stupid like £55 million to prize Kaka away was intended to stop people hassling him all the time. What he didn’t take into account is that Abramovich happily spends £55 million on breakfasting and yachts.

Richard Dunne to Newcastle
In his continuing quest to assemble a team which could have won the league in 1999, Keegan is apparently taking a serious look at Dunne - no doubt intending to play him in a defence consisting of him, Steve Howey, Jason McAteer, and Graeme Le Saux. Hey Kevin, you know who’s really good? Alan Shearer!

Gareth Barry to Arsenal
With the rumours heavily suggesting that Flamini is going to flounce off to Italy in the summer, the whisper is that Arsenal are going to challenge Liverpool and Chelsea for Barry’s affections. Which, of course, means that he’s off to Old Trafford to stare awkwardly at Carrick and Hargreaves in training.

Marek Hamsik to West Ham
Whereas last summer every player linked with the Hammers was either English, injured or a former Newcastle player, they suddenly find themselves linked with anyone who sounds foreign - and names don’t come much more foreign than this one, which no one on the planet can even start to pronounce. Is it French?

Florent Malouda to Tottenham
If Spurs have a weak spot (some may argue that they have many), it’s probably on the wings. Lennon on the right, then that Steed bloke on the left? No, that’s never going to work. Go and buy Malouda, Ramos - that’s what people are thinking.

Sol Campbell to Villarreal
Villarreal are the second best team in Spain, if statistics and hard facts are anything to go by, and Sol is a 33-year-old man with the fragile mind of a 64-year-old woman. He won’t travel well.