While most sane people have spent the morning looking to the heavens trying to figure out where all the drizzle is coming from, the rest of us have been discussing London Elections, chomping back numerous bags of crisps, and keeping a casual eye fixed angrily on transfer rumours. Here’s what it found out.

Dean Ashton to Newcastle
Kevin Keegan is reportedly eyeing up Ashton to take over Mark Viduka’s role of standing perfectly still while Michael Owen and Obafemi Martin zip around in circles like dogs chasing a bumble bee. Ashton is rumoured to be keen.

David Villa to Tottenham
Days after emphatically declaring Arsenal as his dream destination, it looks like David Villa might throw caution to the wind and go to Spurs instead. Luckily for him, Tottenham fans are hugely forgiving - just ask Pat Jennings… or Sol Campbell.

Roque Santa Cruz to Man United
Every year, United stomp into someone else’s dressing room, beat everyone up, and steal their favourite player. They did it with Tevez, they did it with Rooney, and now they’re grabbing the lead pipes and knuckle dusters to pay Blackburn a little visit. Those crazy Blackburnians better get tooled up if they want to keep Santa Cruz. Metaphorically speaking. And really.

Fabrice Muamba to Bolton
The relegation-threatened Birmingham midfielder could make a good step up the career ladder this summer by moving to sunny Bolton, where the drinks are free and there’s enough fun for everyone. Or is that Club Tropicana?

Sam Allardyce to Manchester City
Man City needs a big manager, one with a gigantic head. Sure, Sven had the gargantuan cranium, but when it comes to pure skull size, no one beats Sam Allardyce, not even the monster in The Goonies. Hence, he must be Man City bound, the big boulder-headed idiot.