For all his good points as a manager, Sir Alex Ferguson is absolutely atrocious at celebrating. The man has won ten titles with Man United - TEN! And yet, the final whistle goes, and there he is, brainlessly flapping his arms like a gormless child pretending to be a birdie, totally unaware of what to do. All of a sudden Mister Scary Hairdryer isn’t so damn terrifying.
Well, help is at hand Sir Alex - below is music legend James Brown with a few handy tips on how to move your body should United put one over on Chelsea next week. Watch and learn. Grant can already do this stuff.
Rubbish team will strike, but English club could save the day
Fresh from a bizarre centre circle protest last week, relegated Levante are planning to ruin Real Madrid’s championship celebrations on Sunday. Players of the financially-troubled club, who are owed around 18million Euros in wages, are unapologetic about a plan to strike and spoil Real’s big day. Captain Luis Manuel Rubiales said:
“Madrid has fans all over Spain, including in our team, and we are the last ones to want to cause it [sic] trouble.”
Levante has not been training all week and are adamant they will not play the league game, which means Madrid will be awarded all three points. If they find themselves contractually obliged to show up for a friendly tie, however, the players also have a scheme to enrage the Bernabeu faithful: according to some Spanish reports, they will field seven players (the minimum
Further proof that Italian footballers have a ‘type’
Although not quite at Iain Dowie’s level, AC Milan’s former centre-back Alessandro Costacurta is about as ‘homely’ as an Italian gentleman can get. Despite this aesthetic impediment, the 42-year-old (who only retired last year) has managed to land Martina Colombari as a wife. Like every other Italian WAG out there, she is a Miss Italy winner (1991) who is partial to removing her clothes in front of the lens…
Wow, what a cup final it’s going to be - no Defoe, no Fowler, no recognisable goal scorers on either team. Get ready for a stonker, people! To calm you down, and get that heart rate back to around normal, here’s some very sobering news from the transfer underground…
Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid (which we reported straight outta the Spanish press last week)
After spending most of the season casually toying with Premier League teams like a panther wafting around a gerbil with one of it’s shiny claws, Ronaldo is probably bored of the silly Premier League with its dim-witted defenders and smarmy goalkeepers. He may be wise, however, to read Chaucer’s Tale of Thierry Henry - it’s about a man who thought he had it all, but so didn’t.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: May have peaked for Man United already, don’t count against it.
Ricardo Carvalho to Real Madrid
While everyone stands back and applauds John Terry for being Mister Chelsea, it’s actually the gentleman next to him with a middle-aged hair-don’t doing all the work. As the people of Spain will find out next season.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Without Mourinho there to give him cuddles, what’s the point? Should be off.
Citeh’s Thai revolution takes another bizarre twist
UPDATE: Shinawatra has denied the story. You win this time, common sense.
Unassisted by useful journalistic tools like evidence and quotations, The Daily Express today are claiming that Thai nutbag Thaksin Shinawatra has put the entire Manchester City team up for sale:
Thai billionaire Shinawatra, who is already set to sack manager Sven-Goran Eriksson, is apparently so disgusted with the team’s performances in the second half of the season that he wants a massive clear-out, including young stars such as Micah Richards, Michael Johnson and Joe Hart.
If this is true, what the Gary Mabbutt is he up to? It’s no secret
A few months ago, the papers claimed that C-Ron’s mummy would love nothing more than to see her little soldier playing in a Real Madrid shirt:
“I don’t like English teams but I know I have to like them because he [Ronaldo] is at Manchester. But for me… Real Madrid. Of all the foreign clubs, Real Madrid is the best. Before I die I would like him [Ronaldo] to play for Real Madrid. I would really like that and then I could die, it wouldn’t matter.”
Now, the tricky winger has hinted that his mother’s anti-English wish could be granted, as he will consider his future after the Champions League final. But do you think he will go? Votes and comments below, please.
Cardiff/ Portsmouth, Saturday, 3pm, BBC1, bet here
In an early episode of the League of Gentlemen, demented old bag Tubbs Tattsyrup (favourite food: worms) retires to a cave with a road map of Britain. The map comes from the belongings of yet another unfortunate traveller she has done in with her brother/husband Edward, and as she flicks through the pages of this strange document, enjoying a hair sandwich, she suddenly stops and announces in wonder, “There is a Swansea!” This weekend, all those millions of foreigners in their Canadas and their Thailands who have become addicted to Premier League football, with a particular weakness for regular Big Four action, will discover that there is also a Cardiff. They will find that football grown in a less financially privileged environment is so ugly as to be barely watchable. And they will also discover a need for powerful dictionaries to help them interpret all the guff about plucky underdogs and “the romance of the Cup”. Although the Wager generally has little time for underdogs - we like winners! - all our cash is going on a Welsh win.
* Cardiff won their final league game 3-0. The last four teams to score three or more in their final league game before the Cup Final have gone on to win - Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United.
Tonight is all about the League One Play-off semi-final between Doncaster and Southend. Much like the bookies, The Spoiler believes Donny will send the Essex boys packing at Keepmoat tonight. Disagree? Put yer money where yer mouth is, hot shot.
It’s another packed weekend of sport, so stay out of the rain and enjoy the following:
FRIDAY
Cricket
England/ New Zealand First Test (Sky Sports 1, from 10.30am) - chickendinner betting preview
Mumbai Indians/ Kolkata Knight Riders (Setanta Sports 1, 3.30pm)
League One Play-off Semi-final
Doncaster Rovers/ Southend Utd (Sky Sports 1, 7.45pm)
SATURDAY
Cricket
England/ New Zealand First Test (Sky Sports 2, from 10.30am) - chickendinner betting preview
Rajasthan Royals/ Bangalore Royal (Setanta Sports 2, 11.30am)
Delhi Daredevils/ Kings XI Punjab (Setanta Sports 1, 3.30pm)
Scottish Premier League
Motherwell/ Rangers (Setanta Sports 1, 12.30pm)
