If you’re reading this on Thursday morning, welcome brother/sister, the sun is still nice and shiny (although we just heard thunder) and free love rules. If it’s Thursday evening/ Friday morning, please help, we’re hiding in an alleyway just behind the office, and there’s a big guffawing clown with blonde hair stomping around saying he owns London and punching people in the face. Call the police.

The final day of freedom’s transfers read thusly:

Micah Richards to Manchester United
The growing hum in the north is that Micah Richards might dare to cross the City/United divide, and spend next season making Wes Brown totally regret signing a new contract. Apparently he has been sickened by his club’s treatment on gentle Sven - and for a humble £23 million, he may be keen to experience a whole new world of angry locals.

Leo Messi to Manchester United
The more sluttish United supporters have decided that Messi may actually be sexier than Ronaldo. The solution: dump Ronaldo, get Messi! They are naughty.

Michael Johnson to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger is so sick and tired of everyone telling him that no one in his side is from England, that he may yet be driven to buying Gareth Barry AND Michael Johnson in an unruly spending rage. Then everyone can shut up, and the promising midfielders can join Richard Wright and Francis Jeffers on the secret list of English players who shouldn’t have gone to Arsenal.

Hendry Thomas to Wigan
As if he doesn’t have enough problems, Steve Bruce has now taken it upon himself to convince the entire Honduran international squad that Wigan is the steamy glamour capital of Europe.

Mauro Zarate to Sunderland
The word on the street is that Zarate is the new Carlos Tevez. Begging the question, if Carlos Tevez had his time all over again, where would he start his Premier League career? Sunderland of course… honks The Daily Mirror.

Bastian Schweinsteiger to Aston Villa
Martin O’Neill has been spotted wearing a pair of pretend glasses with a nose and moustache attached at a few Bayern Munich games this season. Join the dots, and you’ll know what that means - he’s only there to buy Schweinsteiger! Or it isn’t O’Neill, just a guy who looks a bit like Groucho Marx.

Ludovic Obraniak to West Ham
One of West Ham’s left-wingers is of dubious popularity and the other may or may not have some serious gambling issues, either way Curbishley has been overheard attempting to pronounce foreign words like “Lud-o-vich Ooo-bran-yak” - whatever that means.