When Kevin Keegan isn’t smearing his grubby hands all over their faces, football’s finest businessmen are busy shouting into mobile phones, downing shots of hot coffee, and hanging around in steam rooms persuading footballers to join their club. Just this morning, a bunch of fatties were spotted listening to harp music in big white towels talking about these transactions:

Anton Ferdinand to Tottenham
You have to admire Ramos’ strategy, after all, if he buys every single defender in the Premier League, other teams will have to field children at the back. In the long term, it’s a work of utter genius - have you seen kids play football? They can’t tackle, they’re rubbish.

Steve Sidwell to Everton
Having roared like an inferno with the Chelsea Reserves, it looks like Sidwell might yet pursue a career playing actual competitive football - this time trading Ballack, Lamps and JT, for the second best Neville brother (or seventh if you count 70s Soul group The Neville Brothers), Cahill and Lescott.

Lassana Diarra to Tottenham
Silly us, no one realised that Diarra isn’t looking for a career in football, he’s traveling. And now he’s ready to use his round-the-world ticket on a flight to North London - no doubt wearing some hippy beads and a tattoo that he got done during a crazy full moon party on one of Portsmouth many sandy beaches. Don’t forget your didgeridoo Lassana!

Louis Saha to Wigan
Saha is a sensitive soul, prone to muscular injury just by shuddering, so how he will possibly survive in the swamps of Wigan is anyones guess. The persistent whispers insist that he’ll be used as a bargaining tool, a pawn in a big game of football chess, some kind of medieval whipping boy… you get the picture.

Carlton Cole to Sunderland
And should the Upton Park exit be left open, the word is that Carlton Cole - he of six majestic goals this season - might be looking to slope off into Roy Keane’s warm and loving arms.

Stephen Carr to Aston Villa
Martin O’Neill is eager to prove that everything he touches turns to gold by taking Newcastle reject and turning him into a world-class full-back. Or, of course, not.