Obtain instant ball skills and a transvestite hooker addiction with this brilliant name generator

Due to a lack of coordination and a general preference for showering alone, I never made it as a professional footballer. So here’s the next best thing. Some genius has created a Brazilian shirt generator - simply stick in your name and a number, and you’ll have the perfect nickname for use by peers, family and co-workers. “Ryildo, your mum is on the phone again,” is already a popular catchphrase in this office.

It’s also acceptable to pass the time by imagining the crazy names England stars would go by if they played in yellow - John Terry is ‘Teca’ and Wayne Rooney is ‘Wayniano’.

Click here to get started.