While everyone else is out topless sunbathing, The Spoiler has been zooming about the undergrowth hunting for transfer rumours. Today this is what they’re saying:

Michael Owen to Everton
After Keegan’s inspirational speech about never becoming a top four team, it seems that Michael Owen is frantically searching for the Newcastle exit. So desperately that he’s been linked with the old enemy. Nice one Keegs.

Daniel Alves to Manchester United
United’s burly shaved gorillas in suits will be seething after Chelsea nabbed Boswinga while they were outside bumping chests and celebrating the contract. Their revenge will be creeping into Sevilla and bundling Alves onto the back of Sir Alex’s motorbike.

Petr Cech to Barcelona
Last year Cech alluded to a move to Barca, and now his agent has revealed that a “big European club” are willing to pay £32 million. Could that strange ravers outfit he wore on Sunday have been the last hurrah?

Christian Vieri to Hull
The home that caters for Dean Windass and Nick Barmby now want to bring the old man Vieri in to teach them how to dribble in Italian.

John Bostock to Tottenham
Palace teenager Bostock is set to choose Spurs over Manchester United and Barcelona - had he concentrated in school he’d probably realise that he’s making a mistake.

Nicky Shorey to West Ham
Apparently.