Wow, what a cup final it’s going to be - no Defoe, no Fowler, no recognisable goal scorers on either team. Get ready for a stonker, people! To calm you down, and get that heart rate back to around normal, here’s some very sobering news from the transfer underground…

Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid (which we reported straight outta the Spanish press last week)
After spending most of the season casually toying with Premier League teams like a panther wafting around a gerbil with one of it’s shiny claws, Ronaldo is probably bored of the silly Premier League with its dim-witted defenders and smarmy goalkeepers. He may be wise, however, to read Chaucer’s Tale of Thierry Henry - it’s about a man who thought he had it all, but so didn’t.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: May have peaked for Man United already, don’t count against it.

Ricardo Carvalho to Real Madrid
While everyone stands back and applauds John Terry for being Mister Chelsea, it’s actually the gentleman next to him with a middle-aged hair-don’t doing all the work. As the people of Spain will find out next season.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Without Mourinho there to give him cuddles, what’s the point? Should be off.

Lillian Thuram to Arsenal
Despite the fact that he is almost fifty-seven years old, Wenger seems keen for Thuram to shut the hell up and become part of his defensive line up. Or so say people who think it’s still 1998.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Surely not.

Steve Sidwell to Middlesbrough
The less he plays, the more beguiling he becomes. Only yesterday Aston Villa were signing him for £5 million, now Gareth Southgate is waving £6 million about whilst dancing like a clown. Tomorrow, AC Milan will be swapping him for Kaka.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He has the look of a Middlesbrough player. Whatever that means.

Steve Howard to Wolves
Mick McCarthy obviously didn’t notice that Howard is CURSED - aiding both Derby and Leicester in their quest to the bottom this season. Nice move, dum-dum.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: A likely story (NB. written without any sarcasm whatsoever).