Plus Everton employees get lazy 

For those sensible enough to still be at work - rather than joining all the cheerful idiots bounding around the city centre in swimming costumes, hosing each other down and smearing ice cream everywhere - here are today’s very straight-faced transfer rumours. Roll VT…

Dudu to Everton
Whoever is compiling the list of Everton transfer targets is getting into some serious shorthand, first “Jo”, and now “Dudu” - both promising Brazilians from CSKA Moscow.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: By the sounds of the conditions, Liverpool might be a luxurious alternative to rainy Russia.

Jeremy Helan and Darnel Situ to Manchester United
Clever, Man United - two French teenagers, surely North London bound, and yet somehow their red private jet ended up in Manchester? Bet they weren’t expecting Arsene Wenger to sound so… Scottish.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: What United want, United get

Andy Johnson and Steven Taylor to West Ham
Football scientists at The Mirror claim that one Anton Ferdinand and a Dean Ashton equals an Everton reserve and an unimpressive Geordie. Worrying times.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Curbishley is no transfer guru, but totally stupid?

Steve Finnan to Fulham
Like so many people, Finnan spends his time pinging from one spot to the next, as if life is just one big game of Pong. Next stop, his old club.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Better the devil you know, etc… Benitez doesn’t appear to rate him.

Luis Antonio Valencia to stay in Wigan
Apparently Valencia is ready to ignore Liverpool and Manchester United to stay in the blissful Kingdom of Wigan.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: No. Just no.

Andrei Arshavin to Manchester City
City are the favourites to sign the England-conquering, UEFA Cup-winning Russian star.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Would you say no to a maniac dictator? So would we.