Hey, we love Hollywood… but that’s about it
Let’s not mince our words - some things about America are brilliant. They’ve given us cheeseburgers (pictured), The Wire, James Brown, sex scandals, trainers, plastic surgery, meat on a stick, wise cracking children, cheerleaders and war. But, that’s no excuse to ever let them host a football World Cup again. Here’s a list of reasons why that would be a rubbish idea:
1. They HATE football
Rather arrogantly, they play the baseball “World Series” every year, ignoring the fact that the rest of the world prefers a slower version called rounders (great for a flirtatious summer picnic, by the way). But basketball is their number one - essentially giants playing catch. Also high on their radar is American Football, golf, athletics, and gentlemen wrestling in leotards. Real football barely even computes.
2. The time difference is a nightmare
As if to raise a finger to the whole of Europe, America choses to operate on a totally different time schedule, with some cities getting out of bed at around the same time we’re tucking into some steamy Horlicks and familiar night time intercourse. Hence, the games are screened far too late for the average working European.
3. They don’t understand the game
Everyone’s seen the ads with the “multi-ball” and the elaborate pitches, and they’re funny (ish) because they’re true (ish). In Roman times football would have been played in the street by men in loin cloths with bloodied feet - it’s a no frills game, that’s what makes it so good.
4. The place is hexed
As everyone from England knows, when it comes to football, the USA is jinxed. We didn’t make it in 1994, we wouldn’t make it now.
5. England deserves another go
As proved by this years Champions League final, the Premier League is now the best league in the world. Add the fact that great players like Ronaldo, Fabregas and co have honed their skills on our fertile soils, and perhaps the prophecy of Baddiel and Skinner has finally come true? Football has come home. Even Torres looks better here than he did in Spain.
6. Only winning continents should play host
That means Europe and South America only. For now. Africa, you’re next.
7. We don’t want any more tycoons, thanks
The Glazers, the ridiculous Gillett and Hicks - big money swilling Americans seem unable to keep the corporate side of things behind closed doors. Like God or Abramovich, chairmen should be talked about in hushed tones, but never actually seen.
8. The opening ceremony would be vulgar
Men throwing hotdogs into crowds, Diana Ross missing another sitter, wardrobe malfunctions, people in caps with beer cans attached, large foam Glad hands - Americans should avoid throwing any parties and stick to what they’re good at. Whatever that might be.
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16 responses so far
1 Catherine // May 28, 2008 at 2:19 pm
As an American, completely agree we shouldn’t host a World Cup anytime soon, more for the fact that we hosted one in 94 and a women’s in 99 I believe.
However, have to beg to differ with you that basketball is the most popular sport here. As far as pure profit goes, and the number of fans who go to games, I’d probably have to say American football is the most popular sport here. Basketball is popular, don’t get me wrong, but if you compare by pure numbers how many people watch something like the NBA finals to the Superbowl, the numbers for basketball don’t even come close.
Real football barely even computes because we have the MLS, and… to be frank, who wants to watch that? Especially when the teams’ names are things like FC Dallas and Real Salt Lake.
2 Cy // May 28, 2008 at 2:43 pm
“ignoring the fact that the rest of the world prefers a slower version called rounders”
All of Japan, Korea, China, the entire Caribbean, Central America, and Northern South America disagree with you.
3 Avram Magic // May 28, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Who cares about Japan, Korea, China, the entire Caribbean, Central America and Northern South America (whatever that is!), rounders is cool.
4 John Swaine // May 28, 2008 at 4:23 pm
2. The time difference is a nightmare
Right, the giant footballing nations of Brazil, Argentina, Columbia, Mexico etc are in a parallel Latin Timezone that only they exist in, quite separate from Eastern/Pacific.
There’s more reason to host it in that timezone than there was to host it in Japan/Korea.
5 RedbyDawn // May 28, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Think you’ll find the Carribean prefers that other beatuifully English pass-time called Cricket.
So stick your baseball bat up your arse! Fat end first!
6 jiggalo // May 29, 2008 at 3:14 pm
“ignoring the fact that the rest of the world prefers a slower version called rounders”
All of Japan, Korea, China, the entire Caribbean, Central America, and Northern South America disagree with you.
You are right but unfortunately these countries do not get to play in your “World series” Jesus you are so big you can create your own sports and make them as big as you want, you then feel that this makes them good sports, rather like your music does anyone like country and western anywhere other than the USA
7 Lila // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:06 am
Excuse me mister, but not all american are vulgar, and let me remind you Englis Bean that an american family own Manchester United, you IDIOT!
who is Fucking now?
8 jiggalo // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Yes an american family own Man U. Thats why even more people hate them now than before. And having a debt of $1.6billion is hardly being owned when they have paid all the money off then yes they will own the club. Up until then they have the shares but the banks own the club.
9 Alex // Jun 2, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Yell at us now but you’ll come crying when the Ayatollahs invade, baby. We MIGHT help out, might not.
10 redtil'dead // Jun 2, 2008 at 10:19 pm
blah balh blah all this yank vs.brit vs. yank BS is so boring… BOTH countries are completely screwed.
The only difference is the US is 3 times the size and has an idiot elected by ignorant, filthy rich whores like the Galziers…
all of you whiners*uck off back to yer mommies- I’m here to talk about football, not chaves and hillbillies.
and NO- the US doesn’t DESERVE to host the cup, we have enough effing money- REAL football belongs in Europe, Latin Americas and the UK, where hearts bleed for it, where the passion is- We{passionate for footie} are the minority in the states and that is just fine with me.
11 redtil'dead // Jun 2, 2008 at 10:21 pm
and Alex… It’s exactly comments like the one which you made that makes Americans out to be a pack of tools. Need I remind you our dollar mean crap in the grand scheme of things… wake up.
12 v-spot // Jun 3, 2008 at 4:36 am
Oh my, where to begin…
1. It’s called the World Series because way back when it first began it was sponsored by the World Sun newspaper and called the World Sun Series. Then it was shortened to World Series.
2. To describe basketball as “giants playing catch” is a bit ignorant don’t you think? Especially when you look at the likes of 2-time MVP Steve Nash and future MVP Chris Paul. You sound like an American.
3. Not sure what your deal is with time zones. It’s called TiVo. (Yup, you can thank Americans for that invention)
4. Oh and the tycoon jab, right, about that…Gillett and Hicks are a disaster, that is for certain. Glad I’m not a Liverpool fan. But the Glazers? Sure there’s the whole debt thing but they have been completely laissez-faire and let David Gill run the club while allowing Sir Alex all the transfer money he wants. And there’s Randy Lerner with Aston Villa who’s done the same and let Martin O’Neill run the ship with successful results. And let’s not forget the raving lunatic that is Thaksin Shinawatra, he’s not American. Or the mess over at Arsenal with Dein, Hill-Wood and the board of directors.
But my favorite is the one you mentioned yourself, Abramovich. The man single-handedly ran out the best manager Chelsea ever had in Mourinho, wasted 30 million pounds on his pal Shevchenko, fired Grant after he did the one thing Mourinho couldn’t do and got them to the Champions League final and oh yea he can drop his little Stamford Bridge plaything any time he wants and plunge them into insurmountable debt. But at least he’s not American, perish the thought.
13 v-spot // Jun 3, 2008 at 4:39 am
All that being said, I agree we shouldn’t host the WC for a while. Make no mistake the sport is growing here but it’s a very slow process. I would love to see England host in 2018.
14 redtildead // Jun 3, 2008 at 6:06 pm
V-spot, brilliant!!!!
15 Scott // Jun 7, 2008 at 12:05 am
I won’t argue any of the windup/tongue in cheek stuff but I will say that FIFA still enjoys a healthy profit and no country in the world can host a more profitable World Cup than the good ol’ U-S of A.
With 50 stadiums(including college football) seating over 75,000 fans and more on the way, the next World Cup in the states will set attendance records, which were set where and when? You guess it! At the 1994 World Cup in the USA.
By 2018, Football will have grown substantially in the states. The MLS has improved two fold in the past 10 years. More and more quality players, closer to their prime are choosing the MLS. Theiry Henry is next…Ronaldinho won’t be far behind.
England is a wonderful footballing nation but the is the Island really big enough to invite the world??? Getting around London and the surrounding areas is already impossible…I can only imagine how bad it would be with an extra 10 million fans spending their summer in the UK.
One of the top arguements for England hosting is the passion and venerable stadiums with rich and vibrant tradition….However, some of them a bit too small for FIFA World Cup standards…Or they’re so new and plastic they lack the very thing that is supposed to be appealing.
It sounds like FIFA is lining things up for a 2018 World Cup in England…But I’m not so sure the USA won’t be a better and more pleasing venue for the fans.
16 michelle // Jun 20, 2008 at 7:41 pm
“One of the top arguments for England hosting is the passion and venerable stadiums with rich and vibrant tradition. However, some of them a bit too small for FIFA World Cup standards.”
that’s unfair. it’s like asking to choose between quality (tradition) and quantity (FIFA standards).
i agree that USA shouldnt host another WC. for one thing, shouldnt a country that hosts the world’s greatest sporting event have a great love for the beautiful game?
and if the USA should host the WC. i fear Hollywood might be intertwined with the event, shifting the attention away from the beautiful game. and besides. the darned English WAGs would go on a partying rampage at nightclubs and shopping centres.