All today’s big transfer news in a LIST

Congratulations, Bioparco Zoo in Rome, you have a name that sounds like a weird 80s B-movie about strange mutant animals eating innocent people, but also, you’re now home to a brand new baby giraffe, who is yet to be named. The Spoiler would like to suggest a strong name like Agamemnon or Greg. It’s your call. In other exciting news, transfer speculation has been going through the roof!

Peter Crouch to leave for free
Crouch is livid that Benitez has demanded £15 million for his services and is ready to stick two gigantic fingers up at his boss by sitting awkwardly on the bench for another year. Then, come summer, he can pack his enormous suitcase and head somewhere else for nothing.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Hey, Peter’s supposed to be a friendly giant… but then again, so was Lennie in Of Mice and Men, and everyone knows what happened there. Right?

Rafael van der Vaart to Chelsea
Just as they like to tempt fantastic players to their club, Chelsea also like to maintain a fine stable of WAGs. Rafael’s wife, Sylvie, would make for a splendid inclusion.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Definitely!

Giovani Dos Santos, Daniel Diaz, Marcelo Moreno to Tottenham
As ever, the Spurs random name machine has been left on overnight, and these three were found being repeated on loop by the club janitor.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Who knows anymore?

Marlon Harewood to Fulham or Stoke
Last summer Aston Villa fans hailed burly Harewood as a waste of money and a waste of space, but it wasn’t long before he shut them up with a regular spot on the bench.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Who could possibly replace the Hare?

Freddie Kanoute to Tottenham or West Ham
Unlike so many names from the past - Campbell, Lampard - Kanoute somehow managed to leave both Spurs and West Ham without upsetting anyone. Both would have him back in a shot.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Could do.