Today’s rumours written down for you to read

For fans of Britain’s Got Talent, The Spoiler is backing either the kid who keeps moaning that people want to hit him because he sings like Aled Jones, or the long faced street urchin who bodypops. Not - make this clear - the Cheeky Monkeys, who might look like wonderful little toddlers but are, in fact, total cretins. Vote them OUT! And, in other big news, today’s transfers are another hot potato…

Michael Johnson to Everton
Why play sexy football with Arsenal or Liverpool when you could play thump-and-smash with Everton? That’s probably exactly what David Moyes said to young Michael, who joins the rest of the Man City squad of headless chickens in frantically running away from gun-waving maniac Thaksin Shinawatra.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Sorry Everton, but the new Steven Gerrard looks destined for one of the Big Four.

Richard Dunne to Tottenham
Ramos’ plan to buy every single defender in the world is starting to take shape. Only hundreds more to go, Juande.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Would be guaranteed a starting place, as King and Woodgate take it in turns to rest their weeping heads on matron’s womanly bosom.

Peter Crouch to Portsmouth
Link up with Jermain Defoe. Leggy blonde. Fox in the box. Scoring. The temptation is to go all smutty with this one. Not today though, apparently The Vatican is watching. Sooo, Crouch to Portsmouth, that’s what they’re saying.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Blondes love Defoe, and Redknapp adores the Crouch

Tom Heaton to Cardiff
Who the hell is this guy? That’s probably what you just shrieked at your computer. Well, calm down, man. It’s only Man United’s fourth choice keeper. Chill out.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Bleeping