Well, hello there, beautiful racist…

For those of you unfortunate enough not to have made it to Faces nightclub in Essex over the weekend, you missed out on one hell of a party. Mutya from Sugababes had her tatts out, Charley from Big Brother was overheard gabbling into her phone, and sometime WAG Danielle Lloyd showed up in an almost see-through number. Yeah, that’s right - WOW.

Just thank Christ we’re here to fill you in on the goings on.

After the jump, Danielle Lloyd flirts sexily just for you…

Yeah, bit of an acquired taste, this one…

The world is spattered with roaring debates which will never end - is there really a God, and if so who is it? Who assassinated who and when? And is Jelena Jankovic sexy in a weird kind of way? Anyone who saw the way she teased Jamie Murray all the way to a Wimbledon doubles victory last year will know that this strange-faced woman knows how to correctly apply her delicate charms to get what she wants. The guy pretty much had an erection for the whole tournament.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Lion in Oil discover the least manly way to deal with a serve

Kimi Raikkonen is the current favourite to win this weekend’s British Grand Prix
[chickendinner]

Spaniards shun Erotic Film festival to watch the football
[Machochip]

Video: This car has pretty powerful brakes
[Grid Crasher]

The worst haircuts in football history
[Zoo Today]

Unpopular MK Dons fear bullying from League One’s ‘bigger boys’
[The Gaffer]

Giving ‘the bumps’ to a 69 year old isn’t a good idea, apparently

Luis Aragonés may be officially parting ways with the Spanish national side tomorrow, but that’s no excuse for the kind of abuse he received after the match last night.

The over-zealous Spanish players decided it would be a great idea to show their appreciation for their 69-year-old coach by hoisting him up in the air and giving him ‘the bumps’. The last time an old man had such a look of horror on his face was when Teddy Sheringham saw Danielle Lloyd’s ‘charming’ personality unfold in the Big Brother house. According to The Spoiler’s official club doctor, the shock of being repeatedly thrown in the air by a large group of brutish men could have induced fatal cardiac problems. The risk of dislocation or breaking a bone was also high, as men of his age tend to have weak and brittle joints.

Fenerbahçe would have been mightily unimpressed if the old racist had turned up to work in a wheelchair, or worse still, a coffin…

All the latest transfer rumours, gossip and damn lies

The mire of spurious summer transfers has thrown up an interesting player/ club combination today: according to the rumour vine, Andriy Shevchenko could be on his way to warming Barcelona’s bench in the near future. To compensate for selling approximately 57 attacking players this summer, Barca want to bring the Ukrainian in on a season-long loan, which means they pay no transfer fee but Chelsea get him off the wage bill. With the Milan option fading, he may just have to take this one.

Emmanuel Adebayor to Chelsea
New stories every day tell us the same stuff about Ronaldo, Ronaldinho and Drogba, so it’s nice to see the press get more inventive. Chelsea want shot of Drogba and it seems they view Adebayor as the perfect replacement.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Surely he won’t do an Ashley Cole

Robbie Keane to Liverpool
Could a (reasonably) big club have finally realised Robbie Keane is one of the best strikers in the Premier League and that despite Berbatov’s moments of brilliance, Keane works harder and is more consistent?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: May want to stick around at Spurs this season

Gareth Barry to Liverpool
One transfer saga that definitely looks

The real reason for Jermaine Jenas’ recent good form

In the 2007/08 season, Spurs midfielder Jermaine Jenas netted seven goals, produced solid and consistent performances every week and earned his first cap (and goal) in Capello’s England side against Switzerland [that’s his first cap under Capello’s regime, not for England in general - Ed.]. Some blame his transcendence on new manager and mentor Juande Ramos, but others give credit to his girlfriend of six years Sabrina Keogh, a lady who looks jolly smashing in a bikini.

Please Wayne, do SOMETHING!

Okay, now we’re all starting to feel awkward. Last week, The Spoiler showcased Wayne Rooney’s unbelievable lack of imagination as he and his new bride, Coleen, spent the first three days of their honeymoon languishing in the hotel pool until their entire bodies wrinkled like stewed prunes. But shockingly it didn’t end there. They’re still at it!

For Christ’s sake, hurry up and start Premier League season - these long watery silences are becoming unbearable!

Disturb yourself with pictures of Day Four and Day Five after the jump.

The flag sarong takes SwissAustria by storm

When the final whistle blew last night, my flatmate and I bet on how long it would take Sergio Ramos to remove his shirt and deflect attention away from his face. Typically, it takes the Spaniard between eight and ten seconds to reveal his impossibly chiseled torso, and he appeared to halve his record time in Vienna last night. Ramos may have been the only Spaniard who failed to wear his strip during the trophy presentation, but he certainly wasn’t the only player subscribing to Euro 2008’s hottest fashion statement: the flag sarong.

Yes, the days of draping your nation’s colours over your shoulders cape-stylee are long gone - now it’s all about wrapping up your legs in the manner that David Beckham was heavily lambasted for so many years ago. The flag sarong may be worn by ladies and gentleman, and with or without shorts underneath. Only the extremely brave/ shameless should risk going commando.

Observe some first class flag saronging after the break…