It’s all quiet on the rumour and gossip front today, folks

It’s a slow day transfer-wise, but we are pleased to announce that the podgy Egyptian forward Mido is no longer on the Marlon Brando career path. After apologising to Boro fans for weighing more than a medium sized aircraft last season, he has shed two stone. Bravo, sir.

Elsewhere, a former Newcastle player could be heading for military combat, and Lamps is still deciding if he should run off into the sunset with the Special One…

Emre Belezoğlu to the army
The Newcastle midfielder was depressed enough about the prospect of going back to Turkey to play for Fenerbahce, but now he may miss out on football altogether as he is wanted by his country’s army.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Who are they at war with anyway?

Alexander Hleb to Barcelona
It looks like Hleb’s heart is set on a move to quiet, peaceful Barcelona after feeling violated by the harshness of noisy London. (It’ll be fantastic when he realises the Spanish city is pretty much the noisiest place in the world.)

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Looks like he’s ready to pull a Reyes

Frank Lampard to Inter
Chelsea would love to give him £135,000-a-week but soon-to-be-30 Frank Lampard wants it for four straight years, while Chelsea are only offering two. Surely Mourinho wouldn’t treat his hero with such contempt?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Chelsea using common sense instead of throwing bags of money at things? Surely not!

Fatih Terim to Blackburn
When Hiddink punches above his weight with Russia he gets linked with the Chelsea job, but when Fatih manages it with an even more ordinary Turkey team he gets told he’s going to Blackburn. Poor guy.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Thinks he’d rather go to the World Cup

Patrick Vieira to UFC
Wonder what Patrick Vieira was while all his friends were playing football this season? It seems he was practising his fighting technique, after getting into scraps with compatriot Patrice Evra and old chum Ruud van Nistelrooy after the 4-1 loss to Holland.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Wouldn’t be surprised