Ahhh, so this is how the other half live…

It’s no great secret that Wayne Rooney spent his childhood wearing rags and hoofing stones around Liverpool council estates, while over in Portugal Ronaldo’s family were so subservient and caught up in the 1980s that they even named their son after the US President, Ronald Reagan. The world, in short, was against these boys from the get-go.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Rooney is no doubt communicating in the mixture of coughs, snorts and hacks that make up the unemployed scouse dialect, while Ronaldo is standing alone in nightclubs watching jealously as all the other guys get the girls, and he has to go home with nothing but a cupful of his own tears and a massively long neck. But look at them now - both classy, both amazing. Begging the important question: who’s classier?

Recent photographic evidence would suggest that Wayne and Coleen (above) have bought into the hoity toity phenomenon of taking your drink into the sea with you on holiday - no one knows why, it’s just what posh people do. In most cases the beverage would be some kind of cocktail - a Whiskey Sour perhaps? Or a Port? - and the water would be Mediterranean and salty. Wayne sinking a pint in a Vegas swimming pool might be slightly wide of the mark to be totally upper class. That said, Coleen does do a fine line in looking stylish on his behalf, so there is still hope for the Rooneys.

Over in sweltering Sardinia, meanwhile, Ronaldo has stumbled onto the ultimate expression of modern class - and something his 80s obsessed father would approve of - a yacht! Him with a set of mirrored shades, shorts hoiked up to almost reveal a testicle, her (Nereida) crawling aboard the vessel with her knickers falling down. Another posh couple with much to learn.

The Spoiler has weighed this one up, and on current standing, the Ronaldos are ever so slightly posher, thanks to his shades and the boat. But only just. Well done Nereida (below) and Ronaldo!

For fans of chatting up women and yachts, below is a clip from legendary 80s show, Howards’ Way. It tells you all you need to know about being posh and sexy.