None of these men are the new Pele…

Everyone makes mistakes. After all, wasn’t it someone at Channel 4 who once thought it a delightful idea to lock a beautiful Indian woman in a room with a mob of angry racists? That didn’t quite work out as hoped. Other bad ideas have included - the quarter pounder WITHOUT cheese, fingerless gloves, blind chainsaw practice, and Davina McCall. All of those, however, pale in comparison to this little lot. Terrible decisions the lot of them.

GK Richard Wright
Looked so good when he was hurling himself around at the back for Ipwswich, but then he went to Arsenal and Everton, and proved beyond any reasonable doubt that he wasn’t a very good goalkeeper. Now, he’s not really wanted at West Ham, but everyone’s too scared to tell him. That’s what happens when you’re tall, people just whisper behind your back.

DL Wayne Bridge
That he’s been at Chelsea since 2003, happy to play second fiddle to the world’s second most irksome figure (behind Mugabe), Ashley Cole, tells you everything you need to know about Wayne Bridge. He doesn’t really want to play football.

DC Jonathan Woodgate
Real Madrid thought him worthy of £13.4 million, then he scored an own goal and got a red card on his debut. If anything, it’s been downhill from there. Made of balsa wood.

DC Ledley King
Ledley makes it an all-Spurs central defence, even though Tottenham fans will probably argue that he is God. Strong, athletic, and permanently weeping in a hospital bed, clutching whatever part of his body he decided to injure that day, to the rest of us he’s a massive letdown.

DR Glen Johnson
To make his mark on the Premier League back in 2003, Abramovich needed a strong, spectacular first signing. He chose West Ham’s sparky young right back - the very same right back that morphed into sullen Glen Johnson. On the plus side, he has tremendous hair.

ML Aaron Lennon
The versatile midfielder is equally rubbish on either flank. At the 2006 World Cup everyone thought he was the best player of all time. And then people figured out that he’s wasn’t. Just a bit quicker than average.

MC Jermaine Jenas
Time was when the whole England team was going to be made up of brilliant young players called Jermaine. What happened there? In the case of this one, he went to Newcastle, became a bit weedy, and now looks constantly frightened of people. Roy Keane he isn’t.

MC Scott Parker
Another one who thought it wise to prove his worth by forcing his way into the Chelsea team to show the world that he was, indeed, brilliant. Unfortunately, he wasn’t, and still isn’t.

MR Jermaine Pennant
Cost Arsenal £2 million when he was just three years old, and went on to become totally unwanted - almost loathed - by Wenger, who loaned him out for about ten years and then finally told him to get stuffed. Since then his similarly unimpressed the people of Birmingham and Liverpool. Deserves “props”, however, for playing football whilst electronically tagged by the police.

FC Alan Smith
Smith’s main problem is that he’s just not very good at playing football. He’s good at things like badge kissing and tearing around the pitch like a maniac, but actually give him the ball, and he starts kicking out hysterically until it’s gone away.

FC Francis Jeffers
Still only 27, Jeffers is now languishing at Sheffield Wednesday, having once cost Arsene Wenger a whopping £9 million - that’s around £83 trillion in Wenger pounds. He’s now valued at around £700,000. Probably avoids looking at his own reflection.