Tomorrow’s headlines today…

Sick of sticking to the same old weekly pattern of tomorrow following today etc? Then great news, man! Here’s what the papers are going to be saying in the morning…

Calderon wastes opportunity
Ramon Calderon has become an expert in sending out mixed signals over the last few weeks, telling the world and Rafael Nadal that Ronaldo is on his way to Real Madrid one minute, then making out he was just kidding the next. Now Marca have reported that the Glazers are ready to sell Ronaldo after all, but given a chance to stir things up on Radio 5 Live, Calderon thought it best to deny everything. What is that little minx up to?

Fat Ronaldo going Dutch?
PSV Eindhoven have been so impressed with Ronaldo’s big blubbery stomach (pictured) and smooth smoking technique that they want to bring him back ‘home’ to, um, Holland. “Perhaps something beautiful will happen this summer,” honked manager Huub Stevens, before mysteriously adding, “it’s possible that we can eventually make use of him in another role as well.” Hang on - Holland? Another role? Gimp mask? Don’t do it, Ronny!

Mourinho seduces Lampard…again
It’s clear that eventually Jose is going to get Lampsie back into bed so why don’t they just get on with it? Mourinho has now decided that he hasn’t made his interest in the Chelsea midfielder clear. “Lampard is at Chelsea, but I have worked really well with him. I worked with Frank for three-and-a-half years, there is an unforgettable relationship.” That should do it.