Man escapes by skin of teeth…

It doesn’t just break The Spoiler’s heart watching a grown man squander his talent and hit rock bottom, it rips it out, jams a stick of dynamite into the superior Vena Cava, right down into the Right Atrium, sparks it up, and BOOM! One exploded heart, one lake of salty tears. So, spare a thought for Kieron Dyer who plummeted to the depths just this weekend, according to The Sun. If the rumours they’re hinting at are true, the man was very nearly tempted to do it with Jade Goody. By which we mean sex. Luckily for him, her on/off boyfriend Jack Tweed turned up just as they were about to hammer out the terms of their sexual liaison. Presumably.

It wasn’t so long ago that Dyer had it all - pace, flair, the entire football world at his feet. He was going to be England’s very own Maradona, and women-wise, he could have snapped his fingers and gone out with Helen of Troy - or, in reality, someone classy like Page 3’s very own Leilani (pictured after the jump).

But now look at him - languishing in a hospital bed somewhere, relegated to entertaining cheap sexual thrills at the hands of the country’s most vile and unlikable racist. It should serve as a warning to all the young footballers out there who think they have it all.

Yes, Theo Walcott, we’re talking about you.