The transfers that just go on and on…

Ask anyone currently languishing in purgatory between heaven and hell, and they’ll tell you that it’s the not knowing that’s the real killer. At least in hell, they’d actually be doing something, even if it was frantically stoking Satan’s furious fires during a heat wave. But sitting there, staring at the same old copy of Woman’s Own - that’s work. Hence, put on your most mock-sympathetic face for these young sportsmen who have spent their summers totally unable to make plans beyond August.

It could have all been so different…

Cristiano Ronaldo
Who wanted him? Real Madrid
How much? 75 million

Don’t be fooled by his casual smile and summer spent actually cooking his own body, Ronaldo has had one hell of a sunny season. He’s broken up with Nereida Gallardo, the topless young woman who loved him so, and the painfully prolonged transfer saga will have taken its toll. Ronaldo made it perfectly clear, through about a hundred different family sources, that he had always dreamed of running out at the Bernabeu for Real Madrid, but unfortunately for him, Alex Ferguson soon resorted to his prickly, red faced ways and made certain that his No. 7 was staying put. Ronaldo will have to make do with playing for the Premier League and European champions. Never mind.

Dimitar Berbatov
Who wanted him? Manchester United, AC Milan and Barcelona.
How much? 38 million

Spurs’ prized asset has long wanted out of North London - roughly since around his second day of living there. That said, his dream move to the drearier areas of northern England have been scuppered by his angry chairman Daniel Levy pricing him out of the market. Assuming his strike partner Robbie Keane completes a proposed move to Liverpool, the depressed Bulgarian will be plying his trade at White Hart Lane for just a little bit longer. Albeit in a massive huff.

Gareth Barry
Who wanted him? Liverpool, Arsenal
How much? 18 million

Poor old Gareth Barry has had a torrid time. Fined £80,000 and banned from Villa’s training ground for criticising Martin O’Neill, the ten year Villa servant was then booed and jeered by his own supporters for wanting to earn more money at a bigger club. It seems Liverpool can no longer stump up the cash and Arsenal’s interest has also waned. Reports suggest he is to be offered a brand spanking new contract at Villa, which he will reluctantly accept, and no doubt spend next season avoiding a torrent of rotten tomatoes, limp cabbages, and beetroot.

Emmanuel Adebayor
Who wanted him? AC Milan, Barcelona
How much? 36 million

Arsenal’s disenchanted frontman may have attracted many prospective buyers with twenty four league goals last season, but even Europe’s glamour clubs have balked at an asking price of 36 million. Arsene Wenger won’t be losing Adebayor on the cheap and we fully expect the Togo striker to be grovelling his way back into his boss’s good books. Regrowing the lucky braids would be a good first step.

Didier Drogba
Who wanted him? AC Milan
How much? 30 million

Didier Drogba feels that he has served his time at the Bridge and now deserves to play for whoever he wants. Whilst it was understood that Chelsea would sell for the right money, there seems to be little progress in the protracted negotiations. Drogba has finally given up on a move and will have to settle for an improved deal at Chelsea.