Tomorrow’s headlines today

Hey spaceman, why not come down from your starship and cast an eye over tomorrow’s big football news? That’s right, we’re that far ahead of the game, friends - where we look for news, people already live on the moon, and everyone has sex using just their genitals. It’s robotronic.

Rio Ferdinand = Mr Brilliant
So, as things stand Rio Ferdinand is an international footballer, a talented street mogul, and now he fancies himself as a Peter Kenyon-esque transfer guru - he told Roma newspaper Il Romanista this about a certain Chelsea winger/joke: “I think Malouda is a great player, especially when he was at Lyon, where he did many great things.” Nice one, Rio. Oh, and if you’re still after acts for your record label, how about this guy?

Keane hearts Torres
There is so much love in football that sometimes it actually blows The Spoiler’s mind. Just earlier Robbie Keane was overheard telling the Liverpool club magazine how great his new strike partner Fernando Torres is, and how cool he looks, and how one day they might have a child together. We think. The Irishman definitely said “Torres has to be the best striker in the world” anyway.