Another excellent reason to avoid the West End

Those of you who were wondering how the shameless cash cow We Will Rock You didn’t kill off the modern West End musical will be delighted to hear that David Beckham - The Theatre of Dreams is in the works:

“Beckham’s story is a modern-day fairytale of heroes, villains, love, Manchester United and what it means to lead your country,” explained Mark Archer, the songwriter behind this celebration of Beckham’s first 33 years. “His rise from obscurity to international stardom, his universally acknowledged gifts as a supreme sportsman, and his Hollywood lifestyle all have the elements of an aspirational fable.”

With football and celebrity now firmly established as new secular Western religions, The Theatre of Dreams is set within a cheering football stadium - the modern-day church. The music is powerful, gospel-like rock to establish clearly football and Manchester United as a religion.”

The highs and lows of “The Lion King’s” life will be chronicled through musical ditties entitled ‘The Promised Land’ (a lazily re-worked version of ‘Three Lions’), ‘Morning Blues’ (detailing the aftermath of his petulance at France 98) and ‘Which Dream’ (where Mr B is forced to choose between his beloved Manchester Utd and Real Madrid).

While a Beckham musical could be highly lucrative if executed well (ie without the assistance of Ben Elton), the producers seem to forget that the protagonist has a voice like a dying kitten: it will be interesting seeing the lead actor belt out a show-stopping finale in a meek East London drawl…

Spoiler bonus: Summer Heights High show us all how to pull of the perfect musical…

[Unprofessional Foul via The Telegraph]