The whispers from the grapevine…

While Joe Cole sits silently in his mansion, lonely tears spattering newspaper reports insisting that Robinho is on his way over to spoil his Chelsea party, everyone else is having a great time! Here’s today’s transfer news…

Jonathan de Guzman to Arsenal
A lot of Arsenal fans are worried that, Cesc Fabregas aside, their midfield would be better served by a clan of sopping wet flannels and a sponge. So what better way to calm their addled minds than by signing Canadian-born Dutchman de Guzman, who sounds a bit like the podgy Hollywood tough guy Luis Guzman? Nice move, Wengertron.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Arsenal fans won’t hold their breath.

Mido staying put
After cutting out the carbs and only surviving on *egg yokes, spinach leaves and tofurkey (like tofu, but turkey), Mido looks great, and has scored in his first three games this season. Hence, the bruisers at Wigan are keen to have him bring a little sparkle to their dressing room, but Gareth Southgate has told him he’s going nowhere. Not yet.

*details of diet may be exaggerated.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: After his strong start to the season, he’ll stay.

Shaun Wright-Phillips to Man City
The SWP transfer saga took a few weird twists yesterday after his agent Wayne Lindsay revealed that the winger wasn’t keen on a return to Man City, only for Mark Hughes to announce hours later that he was confident of signing him. Now he’s supposedly in Manchester for a medical. So that’s that.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: This transfer probably will go ahead.

Emile Heskey to Tottenham
In a red-faced attempt to replace Dimitar Berbatov, it has been reported in today’s Independent that Spurs have put in a call asking about Emile Heskey’s availability. The voice on the other end of the phone was near incomprehensible through stifled giggles.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Another enquiry about Dean Ashton could be imminent.