You wait for a bus, then two come along etc…
Wow, what are the odds? On the very same day that a motivational Arsenal letter about team is revealed, The Spoiler receives an anonymous tip off regarding a similar pamphlet going around the Tottenham changing rooms. We’ve printed it below.
Confidential
Team meeting 19th September 2008The team:
A team should be as strong as an Ox, which is obviously a variable that differs from Ox to Ox. But we should aim for an Ox of around medium build/strength. Anything less would be silly/stupid.The driving force of a team is how well we all get on, even when we’re not getting on, and I know that things have been a little bit rocky lately, but, you know, I’m sorry. I think we just all need a bit of time to get over Robbie and Berbs. God I miss them.
When you’re feeling low, think of how cool it is being in a team/gang. We get free clothes, and it makes life really brilliant. Like, say, when you score a goal (soon, I promise) there’s that feeling of joy you get. Imagine having that all the time. Remember, there is no “I” in “team” (although, granted, there is a “me”).
Our team becomes stronger by:
Using weights and eating the right foods, like raw eggs, raw fish, raw chicken, raw onion.People running as far as they can with the ball.
Believing that no matter how many matches we lose on the trot, we are a Top Four team.
Knowing that we are merely sowing the seeds for next year, when we will be amazing. Just think of the potential of Aaron Lennon - how could he ever be a massive letdown, guys?
Always wanting more money.
Being demanding with your team mates, if we are losing, let them know that it’s mainly their fault. If needs be, never speak to them again.
Rolling your eyes whenever anyone mentions Darren Bent’s terrific pre-season form.
Staying humble and amazingly brilliant and handsome.
Being prepared to win and declaring that win to be the real start of the season.
Insisting that there is nothing to worry about, even though there is something massive to worry about. A bit like when a husband walks in on his wife in bed with his brother and she says “I can explain”. She probably can’t. It’s like that.
Not taking this team for granted. Until January, when you can leave.
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19 responses so far
1 Toby // Sep 23, 2008 at 9:43 am
This is just dumb. Nothing funny about it at all.
2 Sir Alex Rednose // Sep 23, 2008 at 9:49 am
Terrible, like your website.
3 Tony // Sep 23, 2008 at 9:53 am
This is brilliant :0)
Particularly like the bit about the top four!
4 Jonathan Price // Sep 23, 2008 at 10:24 am
fantastic - particularly teh bit about ” always wanting more money”
5 luka modric // Sep 23, 2008 at 11:24 am
Are we going to be tested on this?
6 joey proudmore // Sep 23, 2008 at 11:59 am
Sp*rs = Pr*ck
7 Brad Hotspur // Sep 23, 2008 at 12:42 pm
At least Spurs have 2 points. This website doesn’t have any. Very poor.
8 Upminster Iron // Sep 23, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Yeah, I think I’d be proud if Newcastle had scored twice as many points as my team too. Or if Hull had scored four times as many.
Do you realise that if Spurs don’t win at Pompey this weekend they’ll have less points after six games than Derby had last year?
9 mjc // Sep 23, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Is Robert Huth still joint top-scorer for “The Mighty Spurs”?
10 SPURS // Sep 23, 2008 at 1:29 pm
why is everyone getting so kean, were only a few games in blimey calm down its not the end of the world..love to see all the cocky gooner cu*ts on here though lol your so naive your not gonna win ANYTHING…AGAIN!! haha. id rather finish wherever in the table and actually WIN something - kinda like we did last year, than finish 3rd or something in the league - what sort of an achievement is that - you didnt win anything so - jog on, and dust your EMPTY trophy cabinet, coz really youve got NOTHING to be cocky about your going NOWHERE as usual!!!
SPURS HAVE SILVERWARE IN THE LAST SEASON, SCUM HAVENT WON ANYTHING FOR ABOUT 4 OR SO SEASONS EVEN WITH CHEATING!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
11 jad // Sep 23, 2008 at 1:31 pm
ARSEnal = SCUM C*NTS who cheat and dont deserve to live
12 Jerry // Sep 23, 2008 at 1:33 pm
haha theo walnut, scores a couple of goals and all scum fans have a wank!! LOL
13 Upminster Iron // Sep 23, 2008 at 1:39 pm
“id rather finish wherever in the table and actually WIN something - kinda like we did last year, than finish 3rd or something in the league”
I think you’re alone there. I’m obviously not an Arsenal fan but I’d much rather be top of the league, in the Champions League and having finished four points off top than be bottom without a win clinging on to a cup win six or seven months ago.
It’s a bit stupid calling Arsenal’s trophy cabinet empty just because you won one minor cup - in the last five years Arsenal have gone unbeaten through a Premier League season, won the title (never finishing outside the Top Four, while you’ve never finished in it) and FA Cup and reached a Champions League final. Stop making fools of yourselves Spurs!
14 Max // Sep 23, 2008 at 1:45 pm
haha.. Spurs fans please keep saying Top 4 before the start of ever season and wanking…
You might get there by the end of the century. Bottom of the table. Not good enough to lick Arsenal’s boots. What a seriously pathetic lot.
15 AAA // Sep 23, 2008 at 1:48 pm
“”It’s a bit stupid calling Arsenal’s trophy cabinet empty just because you won one minor cup”"
BUT YOUR CABINET IS STILL EMPTY - IDIOT
AND A CUP IS A CUP - WHICH MEANS OUR CABINET ISN’T EMPTY - IDIOT
wow, they get in CL - but dont get anywhere in it - congratulations!! oh yeah you got to the final - AND LOST, so what good is that, well done for that achievement. you NEARLY won, haha!!
what good is NEARLY. its just like saying i NEARLY won the lottery - just doesnt count does it,
how sad is that - clinging on to NEARLY
16 Upminster Iron // Sep 23, 2008 at 2:26 pm
In response to your ‘points’ AAA
-Arsenal’s trophy cabinet is not empty.
-Nobody said your trophy cabinet was empty.
-Considering Spurs have been dreaming for years about Champions League football, it seems odd you belittle it.
-Clinging on to NEARLY? Isn’t that what Spurs do all the time? Like how in 2005-06 you NEARLY broke the top four and NEARLY qualified for the Champions League but my little club stopped you.
Idiot?
17 Luis // Sep 23, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Hey Upminster Iron and AAA:
“meeeeeeeeeeooooooowwwwwwww!”
But still, I believe AAA is a sack of shite…hehehe
18 Alex // Sep 25, 2008 at 12:13 pm
What IS funny about this is that it has only come about because of the genuine Arsenal handout which is actually much funnier than this made up piece.
This only proves Gooners have little or no sense of humour and take themselves and their team far too seriously.
19 Alex // Sep 25, 2008 at 12:17 pm
and to contribute some vital facts to Upminster Iron and AAA’s very interesting discussion:
Second place is just first place losers.
Only one team in London were WINNERS last season.