Cockney mafia offer self congratulations on Tyneside

For the first time in bloody ages, Mike Ashley has spoken to the media, and has used the opportunity to praise Magpies’ gaffer Joe Kinnear for pulling the club out of the relegation zone. The rotund club owner not only believes that Sir Swears-a-lot will keep the club safe, but will push them back into the higher echelons of the league:

“We will stay up. Yes, definitely.

“Joe’s the man to do the job. He’s my hero. Is he better than Capello? Definitely. We are going to be in Europe by the end of the season!”

Despite insisting that the club is still up for sale, Ashley also hinted that he will reward the manager with a kitty to “change the balance” of the team in January.

Is Joe Kinnear better than Fabio Capello? Vote now!

Hilarious bonus joke stolen from Frank Skinner: Why do Newcastle fans love Christmas crackers? Because there’s a “Joe Kinnear” [say it out loud if you’re having trouble]