Mike Ashley wants to “challenge for everything,” says Llambias

With a manager awaiting heart surgery (best wishes from The Spoiler, JK), an estranged owner, a heavily disgruntled fanbase and an Executive Director who is completely MIA, Newcastle Utd are not in great shape.

Taking a lead from Joseph Stalin, Mike Ashley has developed a five-year plan for success at St James’ Park. Of course, the rotund Sports Direct mogul is incapable of speaking to the press, so managing director Derek Llambias has articulated his strategy to the Newcastle Chronicle:

“In five years’ time I would hope we would be challenging for everything.

“We hope to be like an Aston Villa.

“But you need to have solid grounding under your feet.

“You need that - it should have been built years ago.

“We inherited so much.

“We’re knocking down walls and rebuilding.”

We’re not ones to criticise ambition, but it seems Newcastle are in need of a five month plan, rather than a five year one.

In his Chronicle interview, Llambias’ also apologised for the club’s lack of communication with fans, said there is £8m available to spend over the summer, and claimed that he and Mike Ahsley were disappointed by Kevin Keegan’s exit. Despite this overt fan pandering, Llambias’ comments have been met with contempt by the Newcastle message boards.