Louis van Gaal to prevent top stars from getting their grooves on

In his first attempt to impose some authority on his newly inherited Bayern Munich squad, Louis van Gaal has insisted that his players cut sexy disco visits out of their routines.

According to Bild, the disciplinarian Dutchman will be monitoring his players’ extra-curricular activities, presumably through a network of “disco detectives”. Van Gaal said he will be paying particularly close attention to notorious night spot P1, Munich’s equivalent of Movida where Munich’s equivalent of Danielle Lloyd probably hangs out.

Turkish midfielder Hamit Altıntop - clearly a fan of pounding German techno music and lady-based fun - does not seem to agree with the restrictions:

“Work is work. Private is private. The coach has said nothing to us about this.”

Popular Bayern striker Miroslav Klose, however, won’t miss the Munich nightlife:

“Every player needs to behave professionally, and needs to know what is right and important. I know some players who went to the disco every day.”

After making these comments, Klose apparently went and put an apple on Van Gaal’s desk. Simultaneously, Franck Ribery reportedly scrawled ‘Ass Kisser’ on Klose’s car, before running behind the bike sheds to smoke cigarettes and look at porn with Luca Toni.

[A tip of the cap to IMScouting]