Florentino Perez to give each player a booklet of rules

Since Cristiano Ronaldo’s arrival at Real Madrid, the Spanish capital’s nightclubs and escort agencies have been bracing themselves for a sharp increase in trade. Madrid’s evening entertainment industry, however, has been dealt a devastating blow by news on the front page of this morning’s Marca: Florentino Perez will issue each player of a booklet detailing the rules of behaviour, and “night excursions” are now prohibited.

Even though the booklet has yet to reach the hands of any of Real Madrid’s stars, Marca have somehow obtained a copy, the highlights of which we have translated below…

1. Proximity
Players will need to appear approachable to the fans.

2. Education
Players must show respect towards all coaches, managers and fans.

3. Effort
Sacrifice, dedication…

4. Punctuality
Players must be on time for all appointments.

5. Health
Players must avoid all risky situations.

6. Order
There will be no excursions at night.

7. Image
Players must look presentable at all times.

8. Collaboration
Players must collaborate with the club and the press.

These seem like a relatively sensible set of guidelines for professional sportsmen who are paid more in a week than most people earn in a year, but ultimately they will prove more useless than Chelsea’s transfer budget (zing!). The likes of Fernando Lady Gago, Sergio Ramos and C-Ron would resist rule six with every bone in their nightclub-lovin’ bodies, and Iker Casillas is already breaking rule number seven with his mysterious new Three Musketeers/tramp beard.