Who’s next?

‘The Away Days Gang’ - the infamous group(s) of armed raiders who ‘earn’ their coin targeting north-west based footballers playing away matches - have been caught slipping lately, apparently having forgotten Phil Jagielka hasn’t kicked a ball in six months.

However, their ingenious ruse is still winning fans amongst the robbing community in the south-east. According to Essex police, career crims have been lining up to pilfer from Essex’s finest, with a spate of identical ‘away days’ burglaries breaking out. Hide the Baby Bentleys!

Up to 12 players with current or former links to London clubs have had their homes ransacked, thieves seemingly carrying out a vendetta against the most rubbish or unnecessarily overpaid.

Former Spurs men Mido and Pascal Chimbonda have recently been hit, along with West Ham’s Julien Faubert and ex-Hammer Lucre Neill. The attacks have all been centered on the so-called ‘Golden Triangle’ of Chigwell, Loughton and Buckhurst Hill; affluent footballer-friendly towns which hum loudly with the radioactive glow of fake tan.

Essex detectives have announced they’re setting up a special crime unit in order to combat the spate of thefts, although they’d be better off just renting Duncan Ferguson for a few weeks.