Legend wins girl over with trouser cough

It seems Argentinean hacks aren’t the only people Diego Maradona has recently entreated to “suck it“. Word reaches us from Spanish rag Sport that The Golden Boy’s preparations for Argentina’s crucial World Cup qualifier against Uruguay basically consisted of chatting up attractive blondes in hotel lobbies and farting.

According to Uruguayan vixen Natalia Rosas, who crossed paths with Diego while he was holed up at the Shreaton Hotel in Montevideo, the tubby gaffer seems to still be suffering the side effects of the steamed cabbage and prune diet forced upon him at fat camp:

“He invited me to have coffee with him and while we were talking we both wished each other good luck. Then we hugged and he kissed me. I was left with the taste of onion or garlic that he had just eaten. Then there was the gas. Diego got nervous and started moving around on his chair to try to justify himself

“But after the coffee he invited me to his room and then the things that normally happen between two adults happened. He is very manly! We spent a romantic and passionate night together. But since then he called me saying that I was his friend, but if I carried on talking it would finish badly.”

So if you ever swing by Montevideo and happen to see this young lady, remember the simple two step guide: 1) make sure you have rank breath; 2) let one rip in her face. Issuing a casual threat after sex is optional. Stay classy, Natalia!