He had it all, damn it!

It’s always sad to see a footballer retire. Damn it, The Spoiler even wept uncontrollably when Sheringham dropped the bombshell that he’d had enough, and he was 57-years-old. So now that Dean Ashton is following suit at just 26, the office is in meltdown. 

What in the name of Zeus are these poor retired athletes going to with their time? How will they fill their days?

In the case of Sheringham, the answer was to do a bit of light punditry, have a spot of lunch, and then probably spend the evenings steamrollering VIP sections. Dean Ashton, on the other hand, is going to get all rather Erin Brockovic about it.

According to all of the important newspapers, the 26-year-old striker has been forced to call time on his career, because he crashed into Shaun Wright-Phillips on England duty in 2006 and broke his ankle. Read that again - Shaun Wright-Phillips. Not big guys like the Roonster, JT, or Stevie G. Dinky little Shaun Wright-Phillips - he’s so cute!

Anyway, Ashton is now going to sue the funny little winger, as well as Chelsea (his club at the time), in the hope of making some serious wedge, to compensate for the loss of his career. The word being that his ankle is still completely buggered beyond belief - hence why he hasn’t started a Premier League match for fifteen months.

He shall be missed, and above is a rather odd video tribute. All the best, Dean Ashton.