Say “bonjour”, Arsenal fans…

With the football grapevine all aflutter with talk of dodgy sexual goings-on, and promises of shocking weekend revelations, The Spoiler’s eyes and ears are refusing to shift from the transfer window - a past time that has come to resemble one of those donut-scoffing stakeouts that cops endure in films. Only slightly less fun.

Here’s what we know today, thanks to the men and women who make things happen at the likes of The Daily Mail, The Guardian, The Mirror, The Sun and the rest…

Arsene Wenger’s quest for a decent striker to lead the line during the sweaty part of the season has unsurprisingly lead him to France, with the word on the street being that Nice’s Loic Remy - a France international, no less - could be Arsenal’s for £13million in whatever currency they happen to use in France now.

Birmingham have promised big things throughout the transfer window so far, and look set to part with £11million for Estudiantes’ centre forward Mauro Boselli.

Man City still have a couple of big Desperate Dan sized thumbs ensconced in the pie as they calmly peruse Europe for another midfielder, with the deal for Fernando Gago pretty much dead in the water. The loudest whispers suggest that they have now turned their sights towards McDonald Mariga - a tall Kenyan chap who’s been doing the business for Parma.

On the way out of Eastlands is Benjani, who was threatening to enjoy another stint in the Man City sunshine, but will now probably have to make do with the blistering sun, and deep sensuality of Sunderland.

Elsewhere in the Manchester area, you might just be able to overhear Anderson muttering profanities to himself as he packs his various styling products and rubber johnnies into a man-bag and writes his farewell/poison pen letters to his United team mates. He’s going on loan to Lyon, so they say.