Gunners’ capitulation to Aston Villa suggests they are growing bored of top four finishes

By going over like cardboard to Villa at the Emirates this afternoon, Arsenal have now registered four defeats in the first 13 league games this season, something they haven’t managed since 1994/95, long before the arrival of Professor Wenger. For those Gunners fans who like to clutch at straws, you can now officially stop wasting time studying the top of the table, as no team has ever lost as many in the first 13 and gone on to win the the Premier League.

No one has started so poorly and finished second either. Arsenal’s best hope is third place, which Newcastle managed in 2002/3 after losing five at this stage. United achieved a third place finish the season before after losing four in the first 13.

However, Arsenal’s record over the last thirty years or so when losing four or more at this stage of the season makes for very queasy reading, and suggests that they will be fortunate to even make the UEFA Cup next year, let alone the Champions League. In 1994/95, they finished 12th, in 1992/93 they lost four in 13 and finished tenth, in 1984/85 they lost four in 13 and finished seventh, in 1983/84 they lost seven in 13 and finished sixth, in 1982/83 they lost five in 13 and finished tenth, in 1981/82 they lost five in 13 and finished fifth, in 1977/78 they lost four in 13 and finished fifth, in 1976/77 they lost five in 13 and finished eighth, and in 1975/6 they lost four in 13 and flirted with relegation, finishing 17th. Could this be the season the top four welcomes a new member?

Classic Alan, from his analysis of Liverpool-Wigan on Match of the Day

“There were terrific players on both sides, and I include Wigan in that.”

The edgy entertainment gossip newsletter Popbitch (well known to this site as Tottenham fans and season ticket holders) has this week decided to comment on the Spurs’ casual start to the season with the following joke:

Old Jokes Home:
Juande Ramos, shortly after another training session,
comments to the head groundsman at White Hart Lane how
impressive the pitch is looking.
“It ought to,” replied the groundsman
“We put 70 million quid’s worth of shit on it every week.”

Intellectual Spanish paper sees dark forces behind the three-game closure of the Vicente Calderon stadium

The Spoiler is used to reading stories in the Spanish sporting dailies that compensate for a lack of substance with a hefty dose of local indignation, but the reaction of even the serious Spanish papers to UEFA’s closure of Atletico Madrid’s ground is one of quite hilarious paranoid hysteria.

Instead of seeing the punishment as a response to violence and racism, the very solemn national daily El Pais has chosen to interpret the sentence as firm evidence of jealous French and English football bureaucrats ganging up out of spite for Spain’s sporting excellence.

This is the first paragraph of an editorial that appeared this morning, under the headline “The anglo-french axis and the half-hearted Spanish”

“Just one day after England - quite out of the blue - vetoed playing at the Bernabeu on grounds of racism, UEFA, led by Michel Platini, a Frenchman, and Gordon Taylor (David Taylor actually - Gordon Taylor runs the PFA), a Scot, upheld the

We’ll find out soon enough if this one’s got legs

The Spoiler will be the first to admit that this one is a little far-fetched, but for fans of preposterous rumour, here goes:

1) Newcastle have found a buyer

2) The lucky winners are a consortium of either Russian or Ukranian businessmen, or both

3) Their business is music

4) They are somehow connected to the Eurovision song contest

5) They will be in charge by the weekend

Is Jurgen finally having to settle his karmic debt for a career of outrageous dives?

From the never less than excellent The Week

“Jurgen Klinsmann’s reputation as one of the greatest figures in German sporting history is under threat, says Ian Hawkey in the Sunday Times. The former Spurs striker has courted ridicule ever since he took over as manager of Bayern Munich, bringing with him some “new-age gimmicks”, from California. Within days of taking over the club, Klinsmann erected four Buddha statues on the roof of Bayern’s training headquarters - including a “mysterious addition” from Burma called Shakyamuni.

Klinsmann, who coached Germany to the semi-finals of the 2006 World Cup, claimed they would “spread positive energy”, although the “porcelain deities” have had a decidedly negative impact on results.

Fiasco at Upton Park reminds Mike Ashley he had better find a buyer quick

This could be a watershed week for Premier League football, as clubs start to deal with the consquences of global economic catastrophe. Leading the suffering is West Ham, £142 million in debt according to the Deloitte Annual Review of Football Finance 2008, and whose owner Bjogolfur Gudmundsson has lost his wallet in the meltdown. One Sunday paper claimed that West Ham were just a month away from administration if they fail to find a buyer.

Who knew things were quite so grim when on the last weekend of August, just before the transfer window closed on the Monday, Alan Curbishley walked out? He claimed it was because the club’s owners had gone against his wishes and sold George McCartney to Sunderland. At the time, it just looked like a shabby piece of business, with the club feebly claiming

New home of English football reveals a fearsome reputation for office skills

England fans heading to the wondrous new-ish Wembley tomorrow to enjoy the ritual dismantling of Kazakhstan should take a moment to meditate on just what their exorbitant ticket prices are paying for. The fiasco of the stadium’s construction has been reported at great length and over a number of years, but just two weeks ago an extraordinary detail emerged regarding a stadium-related squabble.

In a law suit between Multiplex - the principal builder of the stadium - and a company called Cleveland Bridge, which provided the steelwork for the arch, it emerged that Multiplex’s bill for photocopying to fight their case came to £1 million.

So as the stadium patiently awaits its Geoff Hurst moment to transform it from an overpriced white elephant to the home of national sporting glory, at least fans can comfort themselves that at least as far as photocopying goes, Wembley is already the envy of the world.

Magpie number one gets credit crunched

From today’s London Evening Standard, some chilling news for admirers of Newcastle owner Mike Ashley’s bank account.

“Mr Ashley is the fourth biggest loser from the crunch and has seen the value of his stake in Sports Direct, the retail giant he set up and floated on the London market, dive from £1.17 billion in February last year to just £168 million today. That is a loss of £1 billion.”

First teamer can’t take any more of the Professor’s strained vegetables

Arsene Wenger is credited as a pioneer in the use of sports nutrition in the Premier League, cleverly phasing out the cakes and lager in the Arsenal players’ diet and substituting them with healthy, if inedible, protein infusions in his eternal quest for points and cups.

It seems, however, that he may have pushed things too far, as at least one player has snapped. Creeping out in the dead of night last Saturday, none other than full back and gastronome Bacary Sagna was spotted at 3 am shoving a double burger with fried egg into his face at the fine kosher eaterie ‘My-Ami Burger’ on the Golders Green Road. “In case you were wondering,” says our spotter, “and you probably weren’t,” he wisely adds, “the name of said burger bar is a pun on the word ‘ami’ which is hebrew for the Jewish people.”

Seen any other Arsenal players going off-menu recently? Feel free to comment below.