Garry Cook - retract the credit card

That’s all folks - the transfer headlines you’ll be reading in tomorrow’s papers will be that hardly anyone went hardly anywhere.

Anyone seeking one last fix of transfer activity should check out goings on in France and Spain, who in typical continental fashion keep their windows open late into the night.

The big window, the one that sees the big ticket items traded, will be sliding open again in the summer, but until then, let’s hear no more of this nonsense about who might be going where and for how much until at least - oooh, tomorrow.

After The Spoiler’s visit to Stan’s talkSPORT studio, the gulf between blogs and former players is wider than ever.

Dear Stan,

Oh dear. That didn’t go too well, did it? Not radio’s finest half hour. Still, thanks for having me.

There seems to be some confusion over my comment that players can’t be fans, not least because it was so poorly articulated, so let’s clear that one up. You say that fans cannot have the same appreciation of the game that players have. “Have you ever been in a professional dressing room?” you asked. (Of course I haven’t - why would I?) And only an imbecile would attempt to argue that this doesn’t give you an exclusive perspective on the game. So I agree - as players you have direct, first hand knowledge of situations that spectators can only watch and speculate about.

My point was that by the same standard, players cannot have the same experience of the game that fans have. Yes you can have supported a team since childhood, yes you can still put your scarf on and go and watch them. But the fans’ experience is one of identifying with their team at one remove - we don’t score the goals ourselves, you do it on our behalf. We don’t save the penalties with your own hands, you do it for us. Fans spend years of their lives meditating on football and develop immensely sophisticated and emotional theories about the game, but we don’t know first hand what the pressures and personalities are that shape play - we can only guess. So you can either know what it’s like to play professional football or wonder what it’s like to play professional football, but not both. (And this is not to mention players being unable to physically participate in the fans’ experience of following the team, week in, week out or the contradiction of having to wear the colours of one team while supporting another.)

So when you set out your credentials as a fan - you mentioned the time when your drove to see England with your home made flag - I don’t doubt your passion for the occasion, but when you sit in the stands, you are Stan the ex-pro, not Stan the fan. People want to talk

Chelsea’s new interim governor Raymond Wilkins knows all about Big Phil, but what of Big Kevin?

This, from scurrilous gossip outfit Popbitch, not a couple of weeks ago…

>> Butch teabag and the sunlounger kid <<
The life and times of a top football coach

This week we saw news that Chelsea boss Felipe Scolari was sending his assistant Ray “Butch” Wilkins out on a charm offensive. “That’s funny”, we thought. Our football contacts suggest Wilkins is not the best liked man in football. It reminded us about a story we heard from Wilkins’ days as Gianluca Vialli’s assistant at Watford. Vialli’s style of management of this struggling, cash-poor club used to involve as many expensive lunches, washed down with fine wines, and “training” trips abroad. On one such trip to Italy. The manager and his assistant maintained their usual commitment to man-management and rigorous training sessions with a long lunch, followed by a nap on the loungers by the hotel pool.

The players decided to have a little fun at their expense. Goalkeeping coach Kevin Hitchcock was known at the time for having one of the biggest wangs in football. He was persuaded to teabag Butch. Hitchcock stood behind Wilkins’ lounger and unzipped his cock. He then, from behind, laid it out across Wilkins face so that his plums flopped across Butch’s face and the tip of his penis rested in his assistant manager’s open mouth.

New Arsenal saviour about to feel the sharp side of British bureaucracy

It appears the Merseyside derby wasn’t the only tedious affair that went into extra time this week. In a Spoiler exclusive, Andrei Arshavin’s agent Dennis Lichter has revealed that the on-off-on-off-on-off-on-off-you-get-the-idea-with-that transfer was not concluded inside the 5pm Premier League deadline.

Speaking to the Spoiler from his Tel Aviv office, Lichter revealed, “It was done by the final whistle. With a little extra time.”

The agent went on to explain that the deal between Arsenal and Arshavin’s club Zenit was concluded by Monday afternoon, but complex stipulations in Arshavin’s contract meant the player was not free to leave Zenit until the following day. Lichter described the deal as, “the most complex I have ever been involved with in my sixteen years.”

As the Premier League meet this afternoon to discuss the deal, there are rumours that Aston Villa could be amongst a host of clubs to protest against the late concluding of the transfer. Lichter said he doesn’t believe Arshavin’s move could be overturned but when asked whether he would be willing to give evidence to the League if there were to be an FA enquiry, he would only say, “we will cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Ramos eager to Spursify Real Madrid, but finds much of his work already done

Of all the Spurs players new Real Madrid manager Juande Ramos dreams about at night, the one he’d most like the chance to bewilder in Spain, according to the Spanish press at least, is Didier Zokora.

Madrid could certainly do with a holding midfielder to “sit” in front of their defence, as the sitting abilities of Mahamadou Diarra, the man currently tasked with that job, don’t currently extend beyond lolling in front of the telly, nursing his very game knee.

The idea that Ramos might “raid” Spurs for talent is like trying to cheer yourself up with videos of your unhappiest holiday - does he really want to be reminded of the nightmare by Zokora’s a) presence, b) fear of the half way line and c) crude passing technique?

Even without Didier Z, however, Ramos’ time at Spurs will have prepared him nicely for the chaos he’s going to find at Real M. A recent board meeting showed Madrid to be more than 500 million Euros in the red, there’s a president - Ramon Calderon - the fans can’t stand, and there’s a sporting director - Predrag Mijatovic - who wields all the power but in whom the president has no confidence.

So if Ramos wants Zokora, it’s Mijatovic he has to talk to, virtually guaranteeing he’ll get someone else. As another vexed Spaniard, Rafa Benitez, once observed of Liverpool’s kooky transfer policy, “I asked for a sofa and they got me a lampshade.” Expect to see the name “Lampshade” on the Madrid teamsheet any day now. Zokora, you’re going nowhere.

Ince’s managerial career about to contract a deadly virus: statistics

The Spoiler is very much an admirer of Paul Ince and believes that a great deal of silverware lies in his future. His fondness for pale grey suits might not do him any favours and most schoolchildren can knot a tie more elegantly than he can, but more importantly, this is a manager any club ought to consider themselves fortunate to have in their employ, given his drive and potential.

However, the Guardian yesterday unearthed a statistic that will be jangling like a fire alarm in the Blackburn boardroom and will strike terror into the heart of the beleaguered Ince:

“Of the eight clubs that went nine or more league games without a win last season, five replaced their manager and avoided relegation: Newcastle, Fulham, Tottenham, Wigan and Bolton. Of the three who showed faith in their managers, two went down. Gareth Southgate, under the wsie counsel of Steve Gibson at Middlesbrough was the exception as Paul Jewell andSteve Coppell were relegated with Derby County and Reading respectively.”

Best of luck, Paul Ince, but before you go, could you please tell us who these people are who are out to get you?

Gunners’ capitulation to Aston Villa suggests they are growing bored of top four finishes

By going over like cardboard to Villa at the Emirates this afternoon, Arsenal have now registered four defeats in the first 13 league games this season, something they haven’t managed since 1994/95, long before the arrival of Professor Wenger. For those Gunners fans who like to clutch at straws, you can now officially stop wasting time studying the top of the table, as no team has ever lost as many in the first 13 and gone on to win the the Premier League.

No one has started so poorly and finished second either. Arsenal’s best hope is third place, which Newcastle managed in 2002/3 after losing five at this stage. United achieved a third place finish the season before after losing four in the first 13.

However, Arsenal’s record over the last thirty years or so when losing four or more at this stage of the season makes for very queasy reading, and suggests that they will be fortunate to even make the UEFA Cup next year, let alone the Champions League. In 1994/95, they finished 12th, in 1992/93 they lost four in 13 and finished tenth, in 1984/85 they lost four in 13 and finished seventh, in 1983/84 they lost seven in 13 and finished sixth, in 1982/83 they lost five in 13 and finished tenth, in 1981/82 they lost five in 13 and finished fifth, in 1977/78 they lost four in 13 and finished fifth, in 1976/77 they lost five in 13 and finished eighth, and in 1975/6 they lost four in 13 and flirted with relegation, finishing 17th. Could this be the season the top four welcomes a new member?

Classic Alan, from his analysis of Liverpool-Wigan on Match of the Day

“There were terrific players on both sides, and I include Wigan in that.”