The Spoiler

Learn to celebrate properly, Sir Alex Ferguson

Josh Burt — Fri, 16 May 2008 15:06:29 +0000

For all his good points as a manager, Sir Alex Ferguson is absolutely atrocious at celebrating. The man has won ten titles with Man United - TEN! And yet, the final whistle goes, and there he is, brainlessly flapping his arms like a gormless child pretending to be a birdie, totally unaware of what to do. All of a sudden Mister Scary Hairdryer isn’t so damn terrifying.

Well, help is at hand Sir Alex - below is music legend James Brown with a few handy tips on how to move your body should United put one over on Chelsea next week. Watch and learn. Grant can already do this stuff.

Levante set to ruin Real Madrid’s title celebrations

Ryan Bailey — Fri, 16 May 2008 14:20:07 +0000

Rubbish team will strike, but English club could save the day

Fresh from a bizarre centre circle protest last week, relegated Levante are planning to ruin Real Madrid’s championship celebrations on Sunday. Players of the financially-troubled club, who are owed around 18million Euros in wages, are unapologetic about a plan to strike and spoil Real’s big day. Captain Luis Manuel Rubiales said:

“Madrid has fans all over Spain, including in our team, and we are the last ones to want to cause it [sic] trouble.”

Levante has not been training all week and are adamant they will not play the league game, which means Madrid will be awarded all three points. If they find themselves contractually obliged to show up for a friendly tie, however, the players also have a scheme to enrage the Bernabeu faithful: according to some Spanish reports, they will field seven players (the minimum (more…)

Anna Kournikova blogs, Avram parties and America forgets about Beckham

Ryan Bailey — Fri, 16 May 2008 13:41:16 +0000

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Fancy some spread betting on the FA Cup Final?
[chickendinner]

Revving Girls: the least eco-friendly foot fetish out there
[Grid Crasher]

Avram Grant spent last night with shameless WAG Z-lister Chanelle Hayes
[Chelsea Pies]

Ex-Basketball Legend Charles Barkley owes $400,000 to a casino
[WithLeather]

Find out which film Anna Kournikova just watched and other trifling nonsense on her revamped official website
[Kournikova.com]

Sky Sports’ slightly depressing new advert
[101GreatGoals]

American sports agency apologises for ‘forgetting about David Beckham’
[The Offside Rules]

Very funny: Extending album art
[Best Week Ever]

WAG No. 92: Martina Colombari

Ryan Bailey — Fri, 16 May 2008 13:06:06 +0000

Further proof that Italian footballers have a ‘type’

Although not quite at Iain Dowie’s level, AC Milan’s former centre-back Alessandro Costacurta is about as ‘homely’ as an Italian gentleman can get. Despite this aesthetic impediment, the 42-year-old (who only retired last year) has managed to land Martina Colombari as a wife. Like every other Italian WAG out there, she is a Miss Italy winner (1991) who is partial to removing her clothes in front of the lens… (more…)

Is this the most fearsome man on the planet?

Josh Burt — Fri, 16 May 2008 11:42:55 +0000

Answer: no, not any more.

Oh, and Mike, someone’s dad wants his clothes back.

Yeah, laters Cristiano Ronaldo - you go to Spain!… idiot.

Josh Burt — Fri, 16 May 2008 11:31:24 +0000

Wow, what a cup final it’s going to be - no Defoe, no Fowler, no recognisable goal scorers on either team. Get ready for a stonker, people! To calm you down, and get that heart rate back to around normal, here’s some very sobering news from the transfer underground…

Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid (which we reported straight outta the Spanish press last week)
After spending most of the season casually toying with Premier League teams like a panther wafting around a gerbil with one of it’s shiny claws, Ronaldo is probably bored of the silly Premier League with its dim-witted defenders and smarmy goalkeepers. He may be wise, however, to read Chaucer’s Tale of Thierry Henry - it’s about a man who thought he had it all, but so didn’t.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: May have peaked for Man United already, don’t count against it.

Ricardo Carvalho to Real Madrid
While everyone stands back and applauds John Terry for being Mister Chelsea, it’s actually the gentleman next to him with a middle-aged hair-don’t doing all the work. As the people of Spain will find out next season.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Without Mourinho there to give him cuddles, what’s the point? Should be off. (more…)

Shinawatra puts Man City’s entire squad up for sale!

Ryan Bailey — Fri, 16 May 2008 09:09:14 +0000

Citeh’s Thai revolution takes another bizarre twist

UPDATE: Shinawatra has denied the story. You win this time, common sense.

Unassisted by useful journalistic tools like evidence and quotations, The Daily Express today are claiming that Thai nutbag Thaksin Shinawatra has put the entire Manchester City team up for sale:

Thai billionaire Shinawatra, who is already set to sack manager Sven-Goran Eriksson, is apparently so disgusted with the team’s performances in the second half of the season that he wants a massive clear-out, including young stars such as Micah Richards, Michael Johnson and Joe Hart.

If this is true, what the Gary Mabbutt is he up to? It’s no secret (more…)

Vote: Will Cristiano Ronaldo be playing in Spain next season?

Ryan Bailey — Fri, 16 May 2008 08:49:28 +0000

Uh oh, United could lose the jewel in their crown

A few months ago, the papers claimed that C-Ron’s mummy would love nothing more than to see her little soldier playing in a Real Madrid shirt:

“I don’t like English teams but I know I have to like them because he [Ronaldo] is at Manchester. But for me… Real Madrid. Of all the foreign clubs, Real Madrid is the best. Before I die I would like him [Ronaldo] to play for Real Madrid. I would really like that and then I could die, it wouldn’t matter.”

Now, the tricky winger has hinted that his mother’s anti-English wish could be granted, as he will consider his future after the Champions League final. But do you think he will go? Votes and comments below, please.

Why the FA Cup could be on its way to Wales

Ryan Bailey — Fri, 16 May 2008 08:32:07 +0000

Cardiff/ Portsmouth, Saturday, 3pm, BBC1, bet here

In an early episode of the League of Gentlemen, demented old bag Tubbs Tattsyrup (favourite food: worms) retires to a cave with a road map of Britain. The map comes from the belongings of yet another unfortunate traveller she has done in with her brother/husband Edward, and as she flicks through the pages of this strange document, enjoying a hair sandwich, she suddenly stops and announces in wonder, “There is a Swansea!” This weekend, all those millions of foreigners in their Canadas and their Thailands who have become addicted to Premier League football, with a particular weakness for regular Big Four action, will discover that there is also a Cardiff. They will find that football grown in a less financially privileged environment is so ugly as to be barely watchable. And they will also discover a need for powerful dictionaries to help them interpret all the guff about plucky underdogs and “the romance of the Cup”. Although the Wager generally has little time for underdogs - we like winners! - all our cash is going on a Welsh win.

Think we’re mental for liking the Bluebirds? Or traitors? Then get on ‘arry’s Pompey!

The statistics

* Cardiff won their final league game 3-0. The last four teams to score three or more in their final league game before the Cup Final have gone on to win - Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United.

* With Benjani sold and Jermain Defoe cup-tied, (more…)

Donny are on their way to Wembley!

Ryan Bailey — Fri, 16 May 2008 08:22:26 +0000

The best sports on the telebox this weekend

Tonight is all about the League One Play-off semi-final between Doncaster and Southend. Much like the bookies, The Spoiler believes Donny will send the Essex boys packing at Keepmoat tonight. Disagree? Put yer money where yer mouth is, hot shot.

It’s another packed weekend of sport, so stay out of the rain and enjoy the following:

FRIDAY

Cricket
England/ New Zealand First Test (Sky Sports 1, from 10.30am) - chickendinner betting preview
Mumbai Indians/ Kolkata Knight Riders (Setanta Sports 1, 3.30pm)

League One Play-off Semi-final
Doncaster Rovers/ Southend Utd (Sky Sports 1, 7.45pm)

SATURDAY

Cricket
England/ New Zealand First Test (Sky Sports 2, from 10.30am) - chickendinner betting preview
Rajasthan Royals/ Bangalore Royal (Setanta Sports 2, 11.30am)
Delhi Daredevils/ Kings XI Punjab (Setanta Sports 1, 3.30pm)

Scottish Premier League
Motherwell/ Rangers (Setanta Sports 1, 12.30pm)

FA Cup Final
Cardiff City/ Portsmouth (BBC1, 3pm) - chickendinner betting preview (more…)

Apprentice star caught singing Spurs songs

Josh Burt — Thu, 15 May 2008 14:06:18 +0000

For fans of the best show on television, The Apprentice, here is a rare treat - glimpses of waffle-mouthed Lee McQueen singing entire sentences without saying “that’s what I’m talking about” and whooping in people’s faces. Granted, the clip is a little bit long, and, Arsenal fans, it might be wise to cover your delicate ears with soundproof silk.

Video: The best comedy moments in football

Ryan Bailey — Thu, 15 May 2008 13:49:13 +0000

Get yer daily dose of schadenfreude right here

There’s nothing quite like a hilarious football compilation on a Thursday afternoon. With that in mind, here’s a video spotted on Unprofessional Foul, plenty of which I hadn’t seen before. My personal favourite comes around the minute mark, where Sky’s cameras catch some classic pranking during a warm-down session. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fall for that one at school.

Enjoy.

Rioting in Manchester, money-spinning in Russia and Diarra’s inferiority complex

Ryan Bailey — Thu, 15 May 2008 13:34:27 +0000

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Video: Motocross rider completely nails a cameraman
[Grid Crasher]

Money-spinner alert: Chelsea and Manchester Utd’s Champions League Final kits revealed
[Pies]

The University of Phoenix Stadium lost $2m by hosting this year’s Super Bowl
[Sports By Brooks]

Video: Fernando Torres’ 33 goals for Liverpool
[YouTube via 101 Great Goals]

Video: Last night’s UEFA Cup street riot
[The Times]

Lassana Diarra ‘didn’t feel good enough’ at Arsenal
[Caught Offside]

WAG No. 91: Marta Cecchetto

Ryan Bailey — Thu, 15 May 2008 11:28:03 +0000

This Italian model has no time for the beautiful game

In the WAG hierarchy, it doesn’t get much better than bagging a World Cup winner, and that’s exactly what Italian model/ TV presenter Marta Cecchetto has achieved - she met Bayern Munich striker Luca Toni nine years ago at a nightclub, when the striker was with lowly Lodigiani. Thirty-year-old Marta has been a model for sixteen years (she has represented countless high end brands and appeared on the cover of plenty of snooty fashion magzines) and she has since branched into television work. (more…)

Next year at Barca: Messi AND Kaka? Plus, Diarra cancels plans…

Josh Burt — Thu, 15 May 2008 11:14:23 +0000

Well the rain is back, for a moment there we almost forgot where we were. Seconds away from flowery necklaced women and silky hula music playing in the streets, probably. Just thank hecky we’ve still got football gossip and transfers to keep us all sweaty and uncomfortable.

Ronaldinho and Deco in exchange for Kaka
A couple of years ago, had anyone even thought about exchanging Ronaldinho for another player, teams of armed police would have been lining buildings within seconds, shouting through loud hailers to put the drugs down and step away from the vehicle. Sir, we said step AWAY! How times have changed. Now Barcelona can offer Ronaldinho and Deco for Kaka and no one even sniffs their breath for whiskey.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: The rumour is that Barca are offering the two players and around £16 million. AC are unlikely to bite.

Andriy Shevchenko to Fenerbahce
After wowing English fans with his brilliance, Shevchenko may yet astonish the people of Turkey by taking his travelling football circus to Fenerbahce. Prepare to be dazzled, Turklings!

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Should AC Milan pass, Shevchenko needs to go somewhere. Not out of the question. (more…)

Video: Maradona displays an unusual new skill

Ryan Bailey — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:19:13 +0000

The ‘Bum Trap’ to be introduced to football’s rich lexicon

This week, Argentinean legend Maradona returned to the pitch for a charity game in Rome hosted by Eros Ramazzotti (one of the most successful Italian singer/songwriters of all time, apparently). Just when you thought you had seen the entire contents of the FIFA Player of the Century’s trick book, he goes and writes another chapter. At around (0.24), he receives a lateral pass and traps it with his sizeable derrière. Take that, conventional football techniques!

And despite it being a charity game, it’s great to see the 47-year-old go down like a sack of shit to win a penalty.

[The Offside]

Hleb spills the beans - via his agent’s mouth

Josh Burt — Thu, 15 May 2008 09:35:43 +0000

Well, the great news, Arsenal, is that it isn’t your football that is making Hleb want to leave you - no, he loves the style of play - it’s your city, your home, your people. They’re the problem.

Like most agents, the man who does all of Hleb’s talking (Nikolai Shpilevski) doesn’t like to put words in anyones mouth, but still chose to air exactly what is going on in the busy mind of the bendy-legged Arsenal man, at least as far as he can tell.

“Alexander is just tired of the noisy and chaotic life in the British capital and feels like living in calmer surroundings,” he sighed, “if any clubs want to add Hleb to their ranks they should talk to Arsenal.” (more…)

Vote: Do referees favour Manchester Utd?

Ryan Bailey — Thu, 15 May 2008 08:59:53 +0000

Chelsea gaffer the latest to jump on the Man Utd bias bandwagon

In a bid to introduce his own brand of Fergie-style mind games, Avram Grant has come out claiming ref Steve Bennett helped Manchester Utd win the Premier League title. It’s true that Scholes’ terrible tackle was overlooked and Rio’s handball went unseen at the JJB, but can The Toad honestly claim they were these conscious decisions on Bennett’s part? Are the men in black really in bed with United? Let us know what you think with votes and comments below, please.

Eva Longoria will not help your basketball skills

Ryan Bailey — Thu, 15 May 2008 08:26:33 +0000

Basketball WAG hinders husband’s performance

A Hornets fan has discovered a perfect way to distract San Antonio Spurs point guard Tony Parker, by holding up a big ol’ cardboard cutout of his wife Eva Longoria. The beardy chap looks delighted with his idea, but unless that thing is double-sided, I’m betting the people in the rows behind him aren’t enjoying the game quite as much.

Premier League fans could learn from this crafty misdirection - next time you’re seated behind the goal, why not take a Danielle Lloyd cutout to distract Jermain Defoe, or maybe a gaggle* of cardboard prostitutes to take Ronaldo’s eye off the ball…

*Yes, I checked, and ‘gaggle’ is the correct collective term for cardboard prostitutes.

[WithLeather]

Sporno Update! Could Baseball be any sexier?

Ryan Bailey — Thu, 15 May 2008 08:06:12 +0000

As if wearing those skin-tight trousers wasn’t enough, it seems that baseball players simply can’t get enough of each other’s junk. Thanks to Sporno fan Gianni for these latest submissions.

Click here to see the full Sporno gallery

Arsene Wenger, where has your magic gone?

Josh Burt — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:31:30 +0000

The big talk in the various underground drinking holes of North London is that the promising French midfielder Lassana Diarra is going to continue his whistle-stop tour of Great Britain with a prolonged visit to Spurs. That’ll be his eighty-ninth club this year - or his third.

And yet, how useful would he have been on the other side of North London at Arsenal, had Wenger maintained his chilling ability to see into the future? Plus, more importantly, are we wrong to be losing faith in the proven football scholar? (more…)

Sharapova’s photoshoot, Hamilton’s millions and Gullit’s bad leadership

Ryan Bailey — Wed, 14 May 2008 13:49:41 +0000

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Game: See how long you can tolerate listening to ‘Become a WAG’ by Stacie and Stevie Smith. I managed 1.39
[MySpace]

Lewis Hamilton to be richer than David Beckham
[Grid Crasher]

Maria Sharapova agrees to a photoshoot
[SportsByBrooks]

Boston Red Sox fan loses lawsuit for hurting the hand of the chap who punched him
[FanIQ]

Have Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split?
[Machochip]

La Galaxy’s leader Ruud Gullit says the team is suffering from a ‘lack of leadership’. Right…
[TheOffsideRules]

Totally random: Three leaked tracks from the new Oasis album
[BunnyWithFangs]

WAG No. 90: Francesca Chillemi

Ryan Bailey — Wed, 14 May 2008 13:15:20 +0000

A Miss Italy who dates a footballer? Surely not

Due to a trend started by good ol’ George Best in the sixties, the most popular occupation of your typical WAG of the Day appears to be ‘beauty queen’: Miss Italy 2003 Francesca Chillemi joins Aída Yéspica, Vincenza Cacace, Elisabetta Gregoraci and Giorgia Palmas in the realm of competitive goodlookingness. Francesca’s efforts have been rewarded not only with a crown and scepter, but also the affections of Cagliari Calcio’s Vincenzo Marruocco and more recently Roma’s sass-mouthed midfielder Alberto Aquilani. (more…)

Is anyone not going to AC Milan this summer?

Josh Burt — Wed, 14 May 2008 13:02:24 +0000

While Steven Gerrard can be found whimpering on the streets of Liverpool, seriously disgruntled because his club won’t spend enough money on new friends for him, over in the AC quarter of Milan, rumour would suggest that money is swilling around like expensive sparkling wine in a Jermain Defoe bathtub.

Starting from the back, the Italian giants have been linked with Chelsea’s bemasked goal stopper Petr Cech - supposedly the planet’s most beguiling keeper. In front of him, they’re looking to poach France’s Willy Sagnol from Bayern Munich, as well as the Italian crowd pleaser Gianluca Zambrotta, who used to ply his wares so well at Juve before morphing into a less convincing wingback at Barcelona. (more…)

Yawn - it’s time for Stevie G’s annual title challenge speech

Ryan Bailey — Wed, 14 May 2008 11:33:36 +0000

Captain’s annual custom becomes yearly tradition

The eagle-eyed news monkeys at Football365 have noticed that Steven Gerrard tends to impart similar sounding words of encouragement on a yearly basis, yet they have thus far failed to help his side bring home the domestic title.

But could his expectation-raising comments spur the Reds to trouble the top of the table this year? Is Rafa’s head shaped a bit like an old fashioned kettle? Do I look good in pastel colours because they bring out my eyes? So many questions, so little time…

“Most of the lads in this squad have won every trophy except the Premier League so that is the aim this year. If not, improve again and do it next year, but we feel a title challenge is around the corner…”
Steven Gerrard, December 26, 2005

“I’ve liked the way we’ve done business this summer. I’m not going to start making any unnecessary predictions about what’s going to happen this season and the last thing any of us need to do is (more…)

Vegemite banned from Olympics, Aussies lose all hope of winning medals

Ryan Bailey — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:51:30 +0000

Beijing officials insist all food must be sourced within China

Olympic athletes frequently have highly specialist dietary requirements, and thus were expecting to bring their body fuel with them to Beijing in three months time. Olympic officials, however, wish for visitors to fully embrace Chinese culture, and will do so by eating their steroid-filled meat and insecticide-laden veg.

The food ban has hit no one harder than the Australians, who were looking forward to coating every meal in Vegemite (a vulgar concoction similar to Marmite). Between sips of lager, Aussie Olympic team (more…)

Rangers will win the fight for Europe’s second biggest trophy

Ryan Bailey — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:49:26 +0000

UEFA Cup Final, tonight, 7.45pm, ITV1, bet here

The last time Rangers played in a proper European final, in Barcelona against Dynamo Moscow in 1972, General Franco was still directing policing operations in Spain. Unfortunately for the old fascist, his forces of law and order found Rangers fans in a boisterous mood, as they celebrated their win by joining the players on the pitch before the game was over. The truncheons of the fat-bellied Guardia Civil were no match for the granite-headed protestants, and the soundly thrashed police were forced to beat a humiliating retreat, thus guaranteeing a warm welcome for all Scots in Barcelona for years to come. According to Graham Hunter, writing in Scotland’s Daily Herald, the referee in that game, one Sr. Ortiz, refutes the idea (more…)

Puyol to Man United, Yaya Toure to Arsenal, Alan Smith explained!

Josh Burt — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:23:56 +0000

If you’re planning to go to Glasgow tonight, don’t, it would be a silly silly move. Should Rangers win, Celtic supporters go bonkers, should Rangers lose, everyone goes bonkers. And, of course, “bonkers” is street slang for face punchy and eye scratchy. You would be far wiser to read about today’s transfers and say nothing more about it…

Carlos Puyol to Man United
Fergie has long been an admirer of Puyol’s gorgeous long hair and robust playing style - the whisper is that he’s going to throw Gerard Pique in as bait.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’s Mr Barcelona, and the Ferdinand/Vidic axis of strength might be impossible to break. Unlikely.

Giovani dos Santos to Chelsea
This guy has been hailed as ‘the new Ronaldinho’, which presumably means he’s a great footballer, not a podgy nighclubber who could eat his breakfast through a fence.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Warm, very warm. (more…)

Video: The best end to an American football game ever

Ryan Bailey — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:06:49 +0000

Large men from overseas pull off unlikely victory

As an Englishman, my interest of the version of football where one predominantly uses one’s hands doesn’t usually extend beyond marvelling at all the pretty bright colours and loud noises. However, this clip is quite special (or at least the excitable commentator seems to think so).

You see, there are just two seconds left on the clock, but the game won’t finish until the play is over. In order to provide adequate breaks for advertising and fried food consumption, plays normally last about five seconds, but this one goes on and on until an against-all-odds victory is pulled off…

Birmingham star gives £30k Mercedes to his boot boy

Ryan Bailey — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:43:38 +0000

Midfielder Kapo displays exemplary generosity

Premier League stars aren’t usually known for their generosity, but Birmingham’s Olivier Kapo has just become an exception to that rule. Humbled by the thought of visiting Blackpool et al next season, the midfielder decided to give his £30k Mercedes to 17-year-old James McPike, the lad who has been cleaning his boots throughout 2007/08.

Trainees in his position can usually expect some muttered contempt, or at best an autograph by way of thanks at the end of the year, but McPike will now be enjoying a motor far too powerful for his youthful driving capabilities.

When the stunned lad (pictured above, delighted by the news) (more…)

Video: Croatia’s Euro 2008 Anthem, by Slaven Bilić

Ryan Bailey — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:17:56 +0000

Watch out Group B, Croatia have rawk on their side

When he’s not chain smoking or embarrassing England, Croatian coach Slaven Bilić loves nothing better than rocking it old school with his band Rawbau. The ‘Healing & Easy Listening/ Religious/ Experimental’ quintet have recorded Croatia’s official Euro 2008 anthem, entitled ‘Vatreno ludilo’ (‘Fiery madness’) and Slaven is the guy in the video with the shades and snazzy Explorer guitar.

It sounds like something you may have heard on continental MTV in 1999, but it’s a damn sight better than some of England’s recent anthems.

The clever chaps at the Croatian Offside have translated the lyrics, and any song that squeezes the names of four nations into a single line is a winner in my book: (more…)

Chelsea make offer for Fernando Torres

Ryan Bailey — Tue, 13 May 2008 15:16:09 +0000

West London club linked to every player under the sun

According to Marca (a daily pro-Madrid sports paper), or specifically a Mr Garcia Caridad director of Radio Marca, Chelsea have offered 50 million Euros (around £40m) for Fernando Torres.

Avram Grant has already shown interest in the Spanish striker, after asking Benayoun to introduce them. The powers that be at Liverpool, however, are reportedly not interested in listening to offers.

This isn’t the first time the striker has been linked with a departure. Last month, we reported on an article in The Times that claimed Liverpool would be obliged to offload Torres and Babel (more…)

Create your own Brazil shirt!

Ryan Bailey — Tue, 13 May 2008 14:30:18 +0000

Obtain instant ball skills and a transvestite hooker addiction with this brilliant name generator

Due to a lack of coordination and a general preference for showering alone, I never made it as a professional footballer. So here’s the next best thing. Some genius has created a Brazilian shirt generator - simply stick in your name and a number, and you’ll have the perfect nickname for use by peers, family and co-workers. “Ryildo, your mum is on the phone again,” is already a popular catchphrase in this office.

It’s also acceptable to pass the time by imagining the crazy names England stars would go by if they played in yellow - John Terry is ‘Teca’ and Wayne Rooney is ‘Wayniano’.

Click here to get started.

Chelsea prepare to lurch in for Dimitar Berbatov

Josh Burt — Tue, 13 May 2008 14:29:48 +0000

The latest rumoured relief for the burning hole in Rom’s pocket

No one cares about money any more, everyone knows that. You could walk into Spurs HQ with £1 billion this afternoon and you wouldn’t even come out with an Aaron Lennon or Younes Kaboul (okay, you might) - football clubs want extras, they want deals. Hence, it’s all about the packaging.

Liverpool, for example, are unlikely to get Gareth Barry unless they throw in a Riise, or even a Crouch, and now it looks like Mr Moneybags over at Chelsea has twigged that it might take more than the smell of Sterling to attract the attention of the Spurs boardroom. He is instead relying on the perfumed allure of Shaun Wright-Phillips and Nicola Anelka to pry the tricky Bulgarian, Dimitar Berbatov, from the North London death grip. (more…)

Glasgow Rangers have already won the UEFA Cup

Ryan Bailey — Tue, 13 May 2008 14:19:34 +0000

… according to Wikipedia

[click image to enlarge ridiculously small text]

If I suddenly gained the ability to travel into the future, one of my first acts would be to inform Wikipedia readers of the result of future games. A time/ space continuum-shattering Glasgow Rangers fan has obviously had the same idea, and has kindly saved us the effort of watching tomorrow night’s UEFA Cup Final:

“A battling performance from Zenit St Petersburg proved to not be enough in the UEFA cup Final against a much more superior Glasgow Rangers side on May 14th 2008 when Zenit succumed to a 2-1 defeat at the City Of Manchester Stadium, goals from Jean Claude Darcheville and Barry Ferguson on the 21st and 65th minute proved to be enough for the teddy bears to secure their first European trophy in 36 years.”

If you have faith in the Scottish Nostradamus, have a punt using the best odds available on the interweb here.

Learn more about Jose Bosingwa, F1 WAGs and Ronaldo’s pregnant lady!

Ryan Bailey — Tue, 13 May 2008 13:48:10 +0000

Also appearing on a computer near you…

(Transvestite lovin’) Ronaldo is having a baby with his girlfriend
[Machochip]

Who the hell is Jose Bosingwa? Good question
[Pies]

Jenson Button’s ex-WAG Florence Brudenell-Bruce is almost certainly very posh
[Grid Crasher]

Ten things The Offside learnt during the Premiership season
[The Offside]

Video: A dog getting run over on the track at the Turkish Grand Prix. Are you sick enough to click?
[Grid Crasher]

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes go to see Beckham at work
[WithLeather]

Video: Zoo’s top ten crazy commentators
[Zoo Today]

WAG No. 89: Aída Yéspica

Ryan Bailey — Tue, 13 May 2008 12:53:18 +0000

South American WAG’s beauty is scandalous in Italy

Somehow, The Spoiler’s WAG of the Day feature has managed to bypass Venezuelan beauty queen Aída Yéspica on 88 separate occasions, but today we’re finally making amends. The former Miss Amazonas moved to Italy in 2003, where her constant nude modelling shoots (do a Google image search of her name, I dare you) caught the attention of Milan’s Pippo Inzaghi. She then moved onto Roma’s Matteo Ferrari, but is best known in the boot shaped nation for causing a political scandal. Mischief-making ex Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi reportedly said ‘With you I’d go anywhere,’ to Aída, causing his wife to demand an apology in a letter to Italy’s largest newspaper La Repubblica. (more…)

David Bentley believes he is going to Chelsea

Ryan Bailey — Tue, 13 May 2008 10:41:55 +0000

Winger all set for a return to London

Blackburn star David Bentley is convinced that his career in Lancashire is over. According to a Spoiler informant, the player believes he will be earning at crust at Chelsea next season. DB is so convinced of the transfer that he described it as a ‘done deal’.

Owen to Everton, Cech to Barca, and a very old face trundling towards Hull

Josh Burt — Tue, 13 May 2008 10:32:35 +0000

While everyone else is out topless sunbathing, The Spoiler has been zooming about the undergrowth hunting for transfer rumours. Today this is what they’re saying:

Michael Owen to Everton
After Keegan’s inspirational speech about never becoming a top four team, it seems that Michael Owen is frantically searching for the Newcastle exit. So desperately that he’s been linked with the old enemy. Nice one Keegs.

Daniel Alves to Manchester United
United’s burly shaved gorillas in suits will be seething after Chelsea nabbed Boswinga while they were outside bumping chests and celebrating the contract. Their revenge will be creeping into Sevilla and bundling Alves onto the back of Sir Alex’s motorbike. (more…)

Newcastle beware: Keegan showing signs of serious momentum loss

Josh Burt — Tue, 13 May 2008 09:12:50 +0000

What is wrong with Kevin Keegan? It’s like he’s living in his own secret dream world where the top four teams in the Premier League no longer even exist. He’s already done his twittering and moaning about how they’re killing football, but now it looks like he’s taken to just totally blanking them.

So who are his Premier League heroes? The team he strives to become? Everton. (more…)

Chelsea return 5,000 Champions League tickets

Ryan Bailey — Tue, 13 May 2008 09:03:02 +0000

Blues fans not keen on witnessing the biggest game in their history

Thinking of trotting off to the Luzhniki Stadium next week for the Champions league final? You may want to give it a few days, as the ticket prices are likely to tumble right down to face value.

A Spoiler informant bought tickets for the final through official UEFA channels before the semi-finals were decided. As a Liverpool fan, said informant no longer wanted to trek all the way behind the Iron Curtain, so yesterday he rang a ticket agency to try to sell the tickets on. He was told that he would only get face value (around £100) for them, as Chelsea had returned 5,000 tickets on Monday morning and demand was pretty low.

I rang a few ticket agencies this morning, and the best offer (more…)

Crystal Palace have a mountain to climb

Ryan Bailey — Tue, 13 May 2008 08:17:30 +0000

The best sports on the telebox tonight

According to Neil Warnock, cheering on your side when they have won a game is ‘arrogant’. That’s exactly what he branded victorious Bristol City fans visiting Selhurst Park at the weekend, and tonight he hopes to rile up the 20,000 ‘angry Robins fans’ at Ashton gate. The bookies put Bristol way ahead at 4/11 to reach the final, yet Warnock has never lost a play-off semi-final, making Palace’s odds of 9/4 mighty tempting.

Indian Premier League
Kolkata Knight Riders/ Delhi Daredevils (Setanta Sports 1, 3.30pm)

Championship Play-off Semi-final Second Leg
19:45 Bristol City v Crystal Palace Sky Sports 1 (19:30-22:00)

Did Manchester City throw their final game?

Ryan Bailey — Mon, 12 May 2008 14:53:23 +0000

Players jeopardise European spot, integrity in the north east

Amid all the Manchester Utd celebrations, Birmingham rioting, John Terry arms and Paul Jewell bitching, Man City’s suspicious loss at the Riverside has been flying a under the radar. At the time of writing, Sven-Goran Eriksson is still waiting to ~~receive his £5m pay-off~~ hear of his future at Manchester City, and is uncertain if he will be joining his side on their impending Eastern tour.

It’s no secret that the players are unhappy about the Swede’s looming P45, and accusing a side of throwing a game is a very strong charge, but is it possible that they engineered this highly unlikely end to the season? Consider the following:

* Previously, Middlesbrough hadn’t scored more than two goals in a game all season.

* This is only the fourth occasion in Premier League history when a team has scored eight or more in a game - the others being Newcastle/ Sheffield Wednesday (8-0; 99/00), Manchester United/ Nottingham Forest (8-1; 98/99) and Manchester Utd/ Ipswich (9-0; 94/95).

* On each of those occasions the team that won were higher in the league table.

* Sven Goran Eriksson’s side hadn’t lost three straight league games all season previously.

* Manchester City’s record defeat was a 1-9 defeat to Everton way back in 1906 and this was Middlesbrough’s record top-flight win.

* City started the day with a clear lead in the Fair Play League (more…)

Arsenal outfox Man United, and no one wants to go to Toon

Josh Burt — Mon, 12 May 2008 14:39:14 +0000

Of course, miserly Arsene Wenger is not a man to splash the cash. Or so everyone thought yesterday. Today it transpires that the scholarly French gentlemen forks out astonishing amounts of money on young players, and now he’s barged the big guns at Man United out of the way to sign Lyon youngster Hatem Ben Arfa.

The zippy left winger was supposed to be heading off to United for £14.4 million, but the player has confirmed that he talked with Arsenal, and may yet be off to North London instead for around £16 million - which is £500 zillion in Wenger currency.

“Today I am at Lyon, we will see what tomorrow is made of,” said Ben Arfa, steeping his sentence in gorgeous mystery. (more…)