None of these men are the new Pele…

Everyone makes mistakes. After all, wasn’t it someone at Channel 4 who once thought it a delightful idea to lock a beautiful Indian woman in a room with a mob of angry racists? That didn’t quite work out as hoped. Other bad ideas have included - the quarter pounder WITHOUT cheese, fingerless gloves, blind chainsaw practice, and Davina McCall. All of those, however, pale in comparison to this little lot. Terrible decisions the lot of them.

GK Richard Wright
Looked so good when he was hurling himself around at the back for Ipwswich, but then he went to Arsenal and Everton, and proved beyond any reasonable doubt that he wasn’t a very good goalkeeper. Now, he’s not really wanted at West Ham, but everyone’s too scared to tell him. That’s what happens when you’re tall, people just whisper behind your back.

DL Wayne Bridge
That he’s been at Chelsea since 2003, happy to play second fiddle to the world’s second most irksome figure (behind Mugabe), Ashley Cole, tells you everything you need to know about Wayne Bridge. He doesn’t really want to play football.

DC Jonathan Woodgate
Real Madrid thought him worthy of £13.4 million, then he scored an own goal and got a red card on his debut. If anything, it’s been downhill from there. Made of balsa wood.

Today’s alliterated movers and shakers in the world of soccerball

The papers believe Frank Lampard is one step closer to the European fashion capital because Jose Mourinho has taken five days off his holiday to broker the deal. Yes, that’s a full five days he’s missing from his year-long vacation, so you know he means business.

Cristiano Ronaldo latest
Sir Alex Ferguson’s threat to let Ronaldo rot in the reserves is threatened by a FIFA ruling allowing players to rip up their contracts if they don’t play in 10% of matches. We doubt Fergie will be too scared: he could just play him in the Community Shield, League Cup, a nothing Champions League group game and against Hull and Stoke.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Another stupid FIFA rule that will have little effect on the deal

Italian football to accept Adebayor defeat
AC Milan no longer believe they have a divine right to any Premier League player they want and will give up pursuit of Adebayor after Arsenal rejected an offer. Real Madrid may wish to take note. Dick Advocaat’s announcement that Andrei Arshavin will move to Spain or England won’t do much good for Italy’s ego either.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Kudos to Milan if true

Aaron Lennon to Newcastle
So let’s get this straight. After a massive losing streak, King Kev stumbled

Oh look, it’s almost the end of the season, and that’s when everyone starts applauding each other and shouting “good game, good game”, full of the joys of spring. Well, not over here at The Spoiler. Oh no. We’re still livid with some of the Premier League’s so-called “players”. This XI, for example, should be ashamed of themselves.

GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
Such is the increasing nature of his facial injuries that most people expect Cech to play next season wearing a gimp mask. That aside, he’s spent most of 2007/08 busily sabotaging his reputation as the world’s best goalkeeper by setting up goals for Jonathan Woodgate in the Carling Cup final, and Ryan Babel in the Champions League.

DL John Arne Riise (Liverpool)
There was a time when Riise was synonymous with blistering shots bursting through the net and into someone’s face in the crowd, but this season he’s been more of an own goal specialist, with a stonker against Luton, and a bitch of a bouncer in the Champions League.

DC William Gallas (Arsenal)
Arsenal captains are strong proud men like Tony Adams and Patrick Viera, not whimpering cretins who flump off the pitch in tears or stage sit in protests for no reason whatsoever. A manchild.

DC Kolo Toure (Arsenal)
Toure was doing a fantastic job until he sloped off to Africa in January and lost all of his confidence. He then returned to Arsenal and started gifting people goals willy-nilly.

Middlesbrough managed to pull themselves away from a relegation scrap at the right time, but they’ll have just enough rope to hang themselves next season if they bring Paul Robinson on board. Here’s today’s rumours from the north east and beyond:

Thierry Henry to Arsenal
While the BBC have shown us video of Henry himself saying the only Premier League club he would play for is Arsenal, The Sun chose to print a quote-free, substance-free story insisting he was going to Newcastle to be the new Alan Shearer. Bad timing, red top rumour monkeys.

Antonio Valencia to Liverpool
It must have been a nervy morning for Liverpool fans as they heard Rafa Benitez wanted to sign a Wigan player - “please don’t bring Heskey back” - luckily for them, Rafa is looking to sign his hundredth winger instead.

Aaron Lennon to Manchester City
City have never really got over the loss of Shaun Wright-Phillips to Chelsea’s reserve team, so now they plan to bring in the half-an-inch shorter replica.

Paul Robinson to Middlesbrough
Gareth Southgate has shown what he learnt when playing under Steve McLaren by choosing to replace his Champions League-bound keeper Mark Schwarzer with the seemingly Championship-bound

Another day, and the chattering voices have been spluttering about transfers. Next season, it appears we can expect at least one more talented Spaniard in our ranks, someone with a weird name, and two of Tottenham’s finest might relocate to the Midlands…

Aaron Lennon and Tom Huddlestone to Aston Villa
Martin O’Neill has clearly been studying Alex Ferguson’s 1990s blueprints as he continues his quest to build a young English side. Next on the menu - Quickie and Fattie from Spurs?

David Villa to Arsenal
The wealthy pockets of Chelsea have demanded him, but Villa has been overheard gushing about how cool Arsenal are. Might Arsene be tempted to unlock his wallet for this one? Around £20 million would do it - that’s seven Adebayors in Wenger speak.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Spurs to offload Aaron Lennon, Newcastle and Liverpool interested
[Caught Offside]

Rafa Benitez serenades the palm of his hand
[Pies]

Vinnie Jones takes on Stone Cold Steve Austin
[Sniffing the Touchline]

Real Madrid boss says they will snare Cristiano Ronaldo
[ESPN]

David Beckham on the Jay Leno show
[The Offside Rules]