Coming to a computer near you…

England star gets hand put in his face, and then gets angry
( 101gg )

England star gets barred from club, and then gets headbutty
( The Sun )

England star gets three points at Portsmouth, and then gets very drunk
( Daily Mail )

Birmingham City star (not quite the same) is banned from a nightclub
( Dirty Tackle )

And now for something completely different. Have you ever wanted an index of all rude player names? Are you really that juvenile? Ah, ok. Midfielddynamo have helpfully compiled one.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

We can’t help but think a Premier League player would have made a bigger deal of being kicked in the head
[Dirty Tackle]

Cristiano Ronaldo is set to help Portugal struggle to qualify for the World Cup this weekend
[Goal.com]

Everton’s Jose Baxter arrested on suspicion of dealing cannabis
[Off The Post]

Abbey Clancy and Cheryl Cole rock the red carpet
[Kickette]

Tomas Rosicky could be injured for someone else next season
[Caught Offside]

Follow us on Twitter
[Twitter]

Yet more rumours that Cesc Fabregas’ days in north London are coming to an end
[Daily Mail]

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City give the people of Manchester the opportunity to walk on Manu Adebayor’s face
[Dirty Tackle]

An exclusive Nemanja Vidic interview
[Red Rants]

Abbey Clancy’s partner will marry Abbey Clancy in St Lucia
[People via Kickette]

Mark Hughes says he’s ready to gatecrash the Big Four
[Daily Mail]

Everton to sell Goodison Park to fund new stadium
[Goal.com]

Peter Reid joins Stoke
[FourFourTwo]

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Peter Crouch to Liverpool
Despite selling him to Portsmouth for £11m last year, Rafa Benitez is interested in bringing Crouchie back into the fold, say the Daily Star. It would cost £12m to steal the lanky striker away from potential suitors Tottenham.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Crouch has snubbed Sunderland and Harry Redknapp has been quoted in the Daily Mail saying wage demands may scupper the deal, so a return to Abbey Clancy’s homeland isn’t unfeasible.

John Terry to stay at Chelsea
Following Didier Drogba’s confident endorsement of his captain, Carlo Ancelotti has insisted Mr Chelsea will not sell his soul:

“John Terry, I repeat, is the captain of this team and he will be the symbol of this club and this team for many years.

“It’s not been a problem in these last few days. He will be the captain of Chelsea in the future.”

The nation’s hottest WAG officially goes off the market

Having met Peter Crouch many times during his Southampton days, The Spoiler knows for a fact that he is a thoroughly decent chap, and undoubtedly one of the most genuine characters in the game today.

However, we can no longer hide the fact that we secretly hate the man who has somehow managed to persuade Abbey Clancy to spend the rest of her life with him. The Sun begrudgingly reports:

“He has been thinking about getting engaged for some time. But he wanted to wait for the ideal moment.

“As a bit of a romantic, he thought it would be a great idea to ask Abbey to marry him when it was just the two of them together in Sardinia.”

His agent Jonathan Barnett confirmed the pair are engaged.

After Crouchie “put a ring on it” in Sardinia, the couple then jetted off to Ibiza. It’s known known whether the Portsmouth star was wearing his ‘Luckiest bastard int he world’ T-shirt when he began his second holiday with one of the nation’s finest bikini wearing talents, but he damn well should have been.

Spoiler bonus: Some classic Abbey hotness after the jump…

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

David Beckham to Manchester City
After Landon Donovan’s best friend said he would be open to a return to the Premier League, the Citizens have become the front runners for his signature when he returns from MLS purgatory. No one at the club has admitted a move for the former England captain is on the cards, but he would fit into their “strategic plan to become a global brand”.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: We think Ancelotti’s Chelsea would have a better shout, but Beckham has always said his heart is in Manchester…

Gareth Bale to Roma
Despite having never won a Premier League match in which he has started, the 19-year-old Welshman has won the affections of AC Milan and Roma, say The Mirror. The latter are said to be leading the chase, and may take advantage of a loan or cash deal.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: If Roma are genuinely interested, Harry Redknapp

The latest transfer rumours, gossip and damned lies

Zlatan Ibrahimovic to Manchester Utd
A report in this morning’s Mirror suggests that Manchester Utd will give the Swedish striker the chance to be anonymous in big games play in the Premiership next season. Are they trying to say that Michael Owen can’t be relied upon to bang in 30 goals in 2009/10?

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: United could do with a ‘box office’ signing this summer, but Ibrahimovic’s agent has implied that the Inter star will cost the club more than the £80m they recouped for Cristiano Ronaldo. In the real world though, he would probably cost around £30m.

Sebastien Bassong to Arsenal
The French defender admits that he has been approached by the Gunners in today’s Daily Mail, but insists that “nothing is concrete”. Spurs and Manchester City are also linked with the 22-year-old, but that’s probably because they’re linked with absolutely everyone.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

More great news for Newcastle - Freddy Shepherd is back on the scene with a £60m takeover bid
[BBC]

Adriano is having some squad number issues
[Dirty Tackle]

Fulham to bid for Almeira’s Kalu Uche
[Goal.com]

Further proof that no one wears a bikini better than Abbey Clancy
[Kickette]

Chelsea to finalise the Yuri Zhirkov deal tomorrow
[The Guardian]