Sorry Jose, looks like it’s the other San Siro team’s turn

Predicting the outcome of Serie A presents one of life’s more difficult challenges: the success/failure of teams must always factor in the degree of cheating/bribery/corruption in which they will partake. Though the league table may well be turned on its head come June because a player/manager/official/entire team has tried to fix matches, here’s what will happen…probably.

» Inter Milan secured their third successive Serie A title last season. Should they triumph this season, they will become the first team since Torino FC in 1945-49 to win the Italian league four years in a row.

» AC Milan have now gone four years without securing the Serie A title. They have not experienced a winless run of five or more seasons since before 1988.

» Chievo finished seventh in the pre-corruption standings in 2005/06 and finished 18th the following season. Empoli ended the 2006/07 season in seventh and were also relegated in 18th place the very next campaign. Udinese finished seventh last season - could they fall through the trapdoor this year?

» AS Roma have finished second in Serie A

Porky striker slays the dragon named dignity in Ibiza

After seeing his Portuguese namesake sport some unecessarily tiny swimwear in Sardinia, Brazilian Ronaldo has decided to up the sexy stakes by showing the world his super-hot skimpy pants.

The AC Milan star - said to have been released by his club following a season-ending knee injury - yesterday sat aboard a yacht in Ibiza displaying a belly that would make Ronaldinho proud. The ‘Kramer’ hairstyle really tops off a look befitting of a megastar whose dating record includes supermodels, TV presenters and various other ladies who wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot ugly stick if he wasn’t famous.

The lady averting her eyes from the sight of his growing paunch is WAG Bia Anthony, who is rumoured to be pregnant. Obviously his stunning physique and unfaltering loyalty have made her forgive him for solicitng transvestite prostitutes.

See the sexiest picture of the summer after the jump…

They’re a disgrace, a big revolting disgrace…

Okay, we’ve drooled enough over the Arshavins and the David Villas, now it’s time to load up the claws and get stuck into some massive Euro 2008 flops. These men should think about getting a new day job - especially you, Ronaldo, or whatever your name is! What’s that? It is Ronaldo? Yeah, well…. shut up!

GK Petr Cech (Czech Republic)
His mistakes were costly, the hat looks stupid, and he’s getting more and more grumpy - starting to resemble the world’s most sullen gimp.

DL Paulo Ferreira (Portugal)
Lack of match practice and being played out of position made Ferreira appalling against the Germans. Needs to locate his footballing ability.

DC Lilian Thuram (France)
In fairness, he should never have been there. Too old for the modern speedsters with their shiny trainers and spikey hairstyles. Someone needs to tell him to stop.

Today’s alliterated movers and shakers in the world of soccerball

The papers believe Frank Lampard is one step closer to the European fashion capital because Jose Mourinho has taken five days off his holiday to broker the deal. Yes, that’s a full five days he’s missing from his year-long vacation, so you know he means business.

Cristiano Ronaldo latest
Sir Alex Ferguson’s threat to let Ronaldo rot in the reserves is threatened by a FIFA ruling allowing players to rip up their contracts if they don’t play in 10% of matches. We doubt Fergie will be too scared: he could just play him in the Community Shield, League Cup, a nothing Champions League group game and against Hull and Stoke.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Another stupid FIFA rule that will have little effect on the deal

Italian football to accept Adebayor defeat
AC Milan no longer believe they have a divine right to any Premier League player they want and will give up pursuit of Adebayor after Arsenal rejected an offer. Real Madrid may wish to take note. Dick Advocaat’s announcement that Andrei Arshavin will move to Spain or England won’t do much good for Italy’s ego either.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Kudos to Milan if true

Aaron Lennon to Newcastle
So let’s get this straight. After a massive losing streak, King Kev stumbled

Hairless man linked with job because he speaks Portuguese

The BBC are telling us that Coventry assistant manager Steve Kean is being lined up for the number two job at Chelsea. It’s not because of the wealth of experience he has gathered at the likes of Fulham and Real Sociedad, but pretty much just because he can speak Portuguese:

Chelsea are set to open talks with Coventry on a potential offer for Kean’s services, but he told BBC Scotland he was eager to avoid troublesome contractual issues.

“It probably makes sense, because I can speak Portuguese, but I don’t want to say to much without getting anyone into trouble,” added Kean.

In other news, Paul Ince is about to be announced as Blackburn boss because he once did some GCSE coursework on the Industrial Revolution in Lancashire, and Ronaldinho is off to Milan because he finds it easier to pronounce than ‘Manchester City’.

Angry bonus: As The Guardian rightly say, finding footage of Big Phil losing his temper is a bit like falling asleep listening to Coldplay. Check out the last minute of this video for lots of angry finger pointing and mad staring eyes…

Dutchman forced to choose between country and future club career

Dutch boss Marco van Basten is perfectly within his rights to field a weakened team against Romania tonight (”It’s not against the rules, it’s a fact of life,” said UEFA spokesman William Gaillard), and eliminating the possibility of meeting France or Italy in the semi-finals would appear to be a wise move. However, former Italy gaffer Cesare Maldini has claimed the Dutchman can forget about coaching in Milan if he rolls over Portugal-stylee tonight:

“Van Basten has a two year contract [with Ajax after the Euros] but I know that after he wants to come to coach in Italy.

“Will it be at Milan? We will see. But for sure he will want to arrive in Italy with a clean slate, and he cannot do this by losing to the Romanians on purpose.”

The word ‘vendetta’ comes from Italian (I know, I was surprised too), so there’s little chance the boot-shaped nation will forgive and forget the coach if he fields a weakened side against Adrian Mutu and co tonight. But will he succumb to Italian pressure? Is he even interested in the AC Milan job? Let us all know your thoughts with a comment below.

[Goal.com]

Today’s transfer gossip, as made up by the national press

When he isn’t pissing off Liverpool, growing face art or aggravating wealthy Americans, Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez enjoys nothing more than having kitchenware modelled on the shape of his cranium. The image above is from Wikipedia, so it must be true - much like the following speculation from sports desks around the country:

Yossi Benayoun to Everton
Twelve months ago Benayoun pledged to sign a new deal at West Ham before mysteriously being provoked into a change of heart. It looks like he’s fed up at Anfield now, but is he bored of Merseyside?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Everton call it “fantasy”, we’re not so sure either

James Milner to Liverpool
Aston Villa want Milner, but because they’re not letting Liverpool steal Gareth Barry without a fight, Benitez is pretending he wants Milner to hike his price up. Rafa, you big bully.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Could be the next Jermaine Pennant

Emmanuel Adebayor to AC Milan
The Italian press say Adebayor has told Arsenal he wants to leave. Can you blame him? After all he scored 30 goals this season and still failed to win over certain factions of the Gunners faithful.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Believes he’ll stay put

Kaka to Chelsea
Do the maths. Brazilian managers must sign the best Brazilian players, right? Scolari played

Today’s transfer rumours, written out with words and punctuation

According to a Spurs message board, Anton Ferdinand and ‘one un-named Spanish bloke’ are due to be having a medical with the North London club today. The ‘Spanish bloke’, according to Spoiler reader and ‘Tottenham inside man’ Paul T, is Sevilla’s Diego Capel, and the cost will be around £12m.

Elsewhere, it seems like the transfer rumblings at rudderless Chelsea will never cease. Shevchenko is calling the shots once more…

Deco to Chelsea
It appears that Andriy Shevchenko has told Roman Abramovich and Peter Kenyon to go out and buy Deco, but his nemesis Jose Mourinho wants to bring him to Inter Milan.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Value diminished this season

Frank Lampard to Inter
Obviously not the first time you’ve heard this one but now Don Fabio has stuck his two lira in by claiming the move could make Lampard a better player.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’d miss kissing his Chelsea badge too much

Jo to AC Milan
The Daily Star claim that Manchester City’s UEFA Cup

Shocking signs of double standards in football

It’s always a bit embarrassing when your plan to bribe high powered officials with beautifully tanned prostitutes is found out - especially if you’re FC Porto, and the underhand referee sex exchange took place back in 2003/2004, when everything was going just swimmingly.

They won the Champions League that year, but only now, many moons later, have the high priests from UEFA decided to dish out their punishment

All of today’s transfers, just for you…

And so Big Brother kicks off again tonight, supposedly featuring a whopping sixteen new faces for you to fantasise about destroying/licking. All of them are sure to have one thing in common - their friends describe them as “wacky” or “bubbly”, or any other such made-up term to avoid saying what they really think. They’re cretins, and “wacky” is just another word for “cu… what’s that? Transfer news? Oh go on then…

Xabi Alonso to Juventus
Imagine standing silently in the room watching your ex-girlfriend heavily petting with her new man - she left you damn it! Great, now your blood is actually boiling. Okay, now put the plank down, take a breath, rinse the sweat from your shirt, and times that feeling by two - that’s exactly how Alonso will feel when Barry trots into Anfield next season. Xavi, go, don’t look back. Run like the wind.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’ll go

Aliaksandr Hleb to Barcelona
Silly Hleb, he was only going to Italy for the paella, now he’s realised it’s a Spanish dish! What a wally! Or, more accurately, Mourinho doesn’t seem keen, Barcelona do.