Mido, Afonso Alves, Mohamed Shawky and Tuncay are hiding somewhere in this hectic market scene. If you spot them, please alert Middlesbrough Football Club immediately.

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The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Klaas Jan Huntelaar to Manchester United
The Spoiler admires Sir Alex Ferguson for being bold enough to take a gamble on Michael Owen but he couldn’t risk placing all his eggs in the 29-year-old’s hole-ridden basket. Therefore, the rumours that United are after another striker aren’t too surprising, with The Sun speculating that £20 million-rated Real Madrid man Huntelaar is a target.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Far from being another Afonso Alves who can only score in the Eredivisie, Huntelaar managed a respectable eight goals in 13 starts and seven sub appearances in Spain last season. Real Madrid are unlikely to get back what they paid for him though considering they are selling just six months after buying and have made it clear they need to get rid of players.

Wesley Sneijder to Chelsea
With Real Madrid increasingly looking like the only club capable of prising Franck Ribery away from Bayern Munich, The Daily Telegraph are reporting

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Samuel Eto’o to Manchester City, Tottenham or Chelsea
Less than a week after the Cameroonian was reported to have turned down City’s advances, Spanish sources claim they will be offered his services for around £30m. The Daily Mail claim Barcelona president Joan Laporta is currently in London seeking a buyer, suggesting Tottenham and Chelsea are also chasing.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: With just a year left on his contract, it seems clear that Barcelona will shift the striker, and the Premiership appears to be his next port of call.

Afonso Alves to Benfica
Regardless of whether Middlesbrough manage to beat the drop,

Southgate backs Alves, Alves talks about moving clubs

When Middlesbrough decided to make Afonso Alves the most expensive signing in their history by splashing out over £12 million on him, they were probably expecting more than four league goals in his first full season.

But rather than blaming the misfiring Brazilian for the fact they are stuck in the relegation zone, Gareth Southgate decided to publicly support the 28-year-old:

“I still believe he can score goals between now and the end of the season.”

Alves’ response was not to knuckle down and strive to repay his manager’s faith. Instead, he decided that it was the perfect time to talk up his interest in jumping ship this summer:

“Benfica is a great club. It’s a kind of club that any player would want to play for.”