Owen declares “I’m better than you” via the medium of clothes

While his old England buddy, Alan Shearer, actually begins to impress the nation with his ability to repeat exactly what Alan Hansen has just said and still get paid for it, Michael Owen was caught up in a similarly absurd expression of nonchalant wealth.

Striding into Ascot to enjoy a fine day of horse racing, the dinky little striker thought it wise to avoid being spotted by wearing the world’s most snooty outfit. All that was missing was a sharp nosed wife and a concierge. Whatever that is.

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Pundits phone in a terrible performance

After a gripping season finale and Euro 2008 to keep the public entertained, you’d assume that MOTD would be home to enthusiastic and thoughtful BBC pundits, and yet, on last night’s evidence, the honchos in charge should be on the phone begging Wright to rethink. Not to mention pleading with Gavin Peacock to renounce his faith and possibly replace the increasingly irksome Lineker, whose big joke last night was that Trinidad and Tobago are two countries. Hilarious Gary, just brilliant.

Worse by miles, however, were Shearer and Hansen.

Capello’s first chance to show what he can do - what will the experts make of him?

If Fabio Capello does half as good a job of managing the England team as he has of convincing the press he is the sadistic head of a bleak Victorian educational academy, England should never lose again.

As tonight’s broadcast opens, Lineker’s certainly bought into it. “A new era, a new set of rules … new teacher… pass their exams…” and Ray Stubbs picks up the theme with some headmaster questions to Capello himself. Fabio doesn’t much care for the comparison, though. He prefers “serious” and “professional.”

Lineker tries the first joke of the evening by saying “Stubbsio” knows his “Fabio Capello from his Marty Pellow.”

Hansen, Shearer and Wright complete the studio line-up for Capello’s debut, and all goes much as one might expect - calm, and upbeat. Hansen is head and shoulders above the two Englishmen with strong feelings about David Beckham being denied his hundredth cap. A potential awkward moment looms when Hansen compares Beckham’s tireless, uncomplaining attitude to that of players who “in this day and age players retire for fun.” Premature retiree Alan Shearer is sitting right next to him, but lets the remark slide.

Shearer opens with a bit of a lunge, claiming Fabio “has probably got the best CV of any manager at any time…If he can’t get success we’ve got a problem…a problem bigger than we think there is.”

Ian Wright thinks “We’ve got the right man.”

A cagey start, then. Nothing controversial, but not too much insight either. Seems the pundits are as much in the dark as everyone. Will they be able to resist the educational comparisons at half-time?

Half time: England 1 Switzerland 0. England have an unpleasantly familiar look about them - toothless in front of goal, losing possession too easily, disjointed. The pundits face an awkward dilemma - be positive or be frank?

Hansen - Positive. “They’ve created chances.”

Shearer - Positive. “They’ve tried to get it down and play, and play in the right way.”

Wright - Neutral. He comments on fans booing and the quiet atmosphere. “We’re trying to do it too quickly,” apparently.

They all agree Joe Cole was great and were quite keen on Wayne Rooney’s effort, then come back after a Munich ‘58 tape suddenly very animated about David Bentley. For Shearer, he’s very nearly the man of the match so far. Strange he didn’t mention that earlier. England get off quite lightly.

Reports have abounded in the last couple of weeks of how Capello doesn’t hesitate to defend a 1-0 lead, could the second half be even more dour than the first? Please god, no.

Full time: England 2 Switzerland 1. A much more lively second half, with Rooney the pick, if a bit showboaty at times, and Switzerland didn’t just come to go to Harrods and the Lion King. The flurry of substitutions on both sides disguised some of the cracks in the defence. Gerrard gets Man of the Match, but I thought he only started playing in the last 15 minutes. The pundits will have a bit more to coo over, but that first half was creaky.

Hansen - “The big bonus is Bentley.”

Shearer - Pat on the head for the new man for “lifting a team which was so low in confidence.” “We’ll be OK”

Wright - “Like it.” “The boys didn’t panic.” “Be patient - we’ve got a guy who’s a winner.”