Supporters take matters into their own hands…

The recent furore over St. James Park’s naming rights was clearly the last of many straws - a group of Newcastle United fans have started appeals to banks and local businesses, asking for help in raising enough funds to launch a takeover bid for the club. The Newcastle United Supporters Trust (NUST) claim to have roped in ‘big names in the business and financial world’ to help meet Mike Ashley’s £80m price tag:

We have emailed over 40,000 supporters to ask them if and how they want to buy into the campaign to lead a city-wide bid to buy back the club.

The idea is based on fans investing in the club through a number of financial opportunities which will be held by a local solicitor in an escrow account to demonstrate to Ashley that the fans have proof of funds.

Sheeerah! Sheeerah!

Most managers who contribute to a club’s relegation become pariahs. Forced to move away from the city, booed upon their return with another team, these men certainly don’t get another crack at the job (see Peter Taylor at Leicester, Tony Cottee at Barnet or Bryan Robson anywhere for classic Public Enemy No 1 examples.)

Yet not Alan Shearer. The man who won just one of his eight matches in charge is tipping himself to take charge again one day. Speaking in the weekend’s press, Shearer said,

“I would still like to be the manager of Newcastle again one day. If the situation came around and everything was right and in place then without a doubt I would love to give it another go. But that’s not up to me.”

The stars who have enjoyed facing their previous employers

This weekend, a whole host of players faced their former employers, most notably Emmanuel Adebayor at Eastlands and Dimitar Berbatov at White Hart Lane. Face kicking and celebrating aside, the former put in a performance that truly represented his stunning talent (something which was somewhat of a rarity during his final months at Arsenal), while the latter moped around and fluffed numerous chances (prompting the chant “That’s why we sold you!” - a chorus only bettered by the  “You’re not signing any more!” that Chelsea received at Stoke).

With these acrimonious encounters in mind, Spoiler correspondent Liam Jarvis has selected his top five players who have enjoyed facing the teams that used to sign their puffed-up pay cheques…

William Gallas
The tantrum-prone Frenchman scored the winning header from a Cesc Fabregas corner to beat Chelsea 1-0 back in 2007. The goal ended a 3-year winless streak against their London rivals.

Alan Shearer
Alan Shearer marked his 300th club career goal in perfect fashion, a simple penalty against former side Blackburn in 2002.

… revealed in the fascinating trends and statistics below

The bookmakers seem to agree on the 15 leading contenders to be next season’s Premier League top-scorer. they are:

Fernando Torres, Didier Drogba, Nicolas Anelka, Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard, Michael Owen, Robinho, Robin van Persie, Emmanuel Adebayor, Dimitar Berbatov, Jermain Defoe, Carlos Tevez, Andrei Arshavin, Frank Lampard and Roque Santa Cruz.

Through a process of elimination, our stat-lovin’ friends at chickendinner have discovered that Nicolas Anelka will not successfully defend his top scorer award, and the eventual winner is quite surprising.

Here it comes…

Over the last decade Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink (2000-01) is the only player to have won it in his first season with a new club.
That rules out: Michael Owen, Carlos Tevez, Roque Santa Cruz

The last nine winners were all playing for a Big Four side.
That rules out: Robinho, Jermain Defoe

Cristiano Ronaldo is the only player to have been Premier League top-scorer without always playing as an out-and-out striker.
That rules out: Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Andrei Arshavin

The last British top-scorer was Kevin Phillips in 1999-00.
That rules out: Wayne Rooney

Still standing: Fernando Torres, Didier Drogba, Nicolas Anelka, Robin van

Also appearing on a computer near you…

A fan at the Copa Libertadores takes an unusual approach to keeping his lungs clear
[The Offside]

(Fat) Ronaldo is about to get another ‘Tranny Surprise‘
[Dirty Tackle]

Missing the point: Juventus’ new home and away strips are the same colour
[Pies]

Hull want Bobby Zamora (because things worked out so well last time they signed a Fulham player)
[Sky Sports]

Naughty journalists have been hacking Alex Ferguson and Alan Shearer’s phones
[The Guardian]

David Beckham named his child after a man who prays to alien gods
[ONTD]

Basketball WAG Carmen Electra takes to the stage, forgets her top (NSFW)
[The Sun]

Magpies to tread the boards in honour of forgettable year

Football fans aren’t known for their love of theatre, but that could be about to change in the north east.

Two Newcastle season ticket holders are intending to depress cultured Magpies fans with You Really Couldn’t Make It Up, the stage interpretation of the Toon Army’s epic failures on and off the field in 2008/09, told through the ”witty, heartfelt banter of four ordinary fans coming to terms with life after relegation”.

NUFC.com reports:

Following a sold-out run there earlier this year, Newcastle’s Live Theatre hosts an updated version of “You Couldn’t Make It Up” starting this week.

Penned by father and son team Michael and Tom Chaplin (both season ticket holders at SJP) [Sarah Jessica Parker? - Ed.], “You Really Couldn’t Make It Up” recounts the story of Newcastle’s season from hell through the eyes of four fans.

Actors play the parts of Alan Shearer, Kevin Keegan and Mike Ashley.

Why are they getting actors to play the parts of Shearer, Keegan and Ashley, when they could probably get the real thing? It’s not as if any of them will be doing anything in the foreseeable future…

[Roll up! Roll up! Get your tickets here]

Chow down at the Championship’s biggest stadium this Sunday

Newcastle fans desperately searching for a Father’s Day gift for the old man they don’t particularly like are in luck.

The club are advertising a lunch at St James’ Park this Sunday, designed to remind maligned relatives of the misery they have had to endure for the past year at the home of the Magpies. And it’s only £19.95 per person (or a seemingly impossible £9.975 for kids) - that kind of money wouldn’t buy a bread roll at a Premier League ground!

Don’t delay - remind your dad of the disappointment his club have piled on him now! (Just don’t blame us if the chefs turn out to be as incompetent as the board.)

Before The Spoiler was distracted by this thoroughly tempting offer, we were going to mention the fact that Newcastle appear to have neglected Alan Shearer in their future plans. Season ticket applications have finally been sent out to fans, and the accompanying literature makes no reference to the latest Geordie Messiah.

The soft southern journalists at the Daily Mail believe Chris Hughton will take the managerial reins at the club, fulfilling the wishes of managing director Derek Llambias.

Textile millionaire’s consortium may not exist

Sunderland fans aren’t the only ones trying to make a monkey out of Newcastle Utd at the moment - today, the ailing club appear to have been the subject of a hoax takeover bid.

A press release issued on behalf of a textiles entrepreneur named Rick Parkinson circulated this morning, claiming the Ponteland businessman is leading a five-man consortium which intends to place a £90m bid on the club. Apparently, the prospective owners pledge to sink £30m into restructuring the business and a further £30m into a transfer kitty for Alan Shearer, the man they would install as permanent manager.

It sounds like a dream scenario for the Toon Army, but the credibility of the bid has been called into question. Seymour Pierce - the investment bankers charged with the gruelling task of selling the club - have not heard from Parkinson, and “well-placed sources” in the city know nothing of his proposed consortium.

Parkinson claims his troupe of knights in shining armour will contact the club within the next ten days (although not via the email address on the Newcastle OS - something he calls “undignified and without class”), but a press release from distributed via an unnamed PR agency to journalists has not inspired confidence in the validity of his plans.

The Telegraph quotes Parkinson thusly:

“I’m a Geordie through-and-through and it’s been heart-wrenching to see the club, and their long-suffering fans, being put through the Mill (sic) like this.

“This week’s latest developments, with the club trying to sell itself via an e-mail address on the official website, is just the final straw in what has been a wholly embarrassing tenure for Mr Ashley.

“It’s time for him to sell-up, and I believe the time is right for me to step forward. I’ve been