None of these men are the new Pele…

Everyone makes mistakes. After all, wasn’t it someone at Channel 4 who once thought it a delightful idea to lock a beautiful Indian woman in a room with a mob of angry racists? That didn’t quite work out as hoped. Other bad ideas have included - the quarter pounder WITHOUT cheese, fingerless gloves, blind chainsaw practice, and Davina McCall. All of those, however, pale in comparison to this little lot. Terrible decisions the lot of them.

GK Richard Wright
Looked so good when he was hurling himself around at the back for Ipwswich, but then he went to Arsenal and Everton, and proved beyond any reasonable doubt that he wasn’t a very good goalkeeper. Now, he’s not really wanted at West Ham, but everyone’s too scared to tell him. That’s what happens when you’re tall, people just whisper behind your back.

DL Wayne Bridge
That he’s been at Chelsea since 2003, happy to play second fiddle to the world’s second most irksome figure (behind Mugabe), Ashley Cole, tells you everything you need to know about Wayne Bridge. He doesn’t really want to play football.

DC Jonathan Woodgate
Real Madrid thought him worthy of £13.4 million, then he scored an own goal and got a red card on his debut. If anything, it’s been downhill from there. Made of balsa wood.

If you’re planning to go to Glasgow tonight, don’t, it would be a silly silly move. Should Rangers win, Celtic supporters go bonkers, should Rangers lose, everyone goes bonkers. And, of course, “bonkers” is street slang for face punchy and eye scratchy. You would be far wiser to read about today’s transfers and say nothing more about it…

Carlos Puyol to Man United
Fergie has long been an admirer of Puyol’s gorgeous long hair and robust playing style - the whisper is that he’s going to throw Gerard Pique in as bait.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’s Mr Barcelona, and the Ferdinand/Vidic axis of strength might be impossible to break. Unlikely.

Giovani dos Santos to Chelsea
This guy has been hailed as ‘the new Ronaldinho’, which presumably means he’s a great footballer, not a podgy nighclubber who could eat his breakfast through a fence.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Warm, very warm.

Oh look, it’s almost the end of the season, and that’s when everyone starts applauding each other and shouting “good game, good game”, full of the joys of spring. Well, not over here at The Spoiler. Oh no. We’re still livid with some of the Premier League’s so-called “players”. This XI, for example, should be ashamed of themselves.

GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
Such is the increasing nature of his facial injuries that most people expect Cech to play next season wearing a gimp mask. That aside, he’s spent most of 2007/08 busily sabotaging his reputation as the world’s best goalkeeper by setting up goals for Jonathan Woodgate in the Carling Cup final, and Ryan Babel in the Champions League.

DL John Arne Riise (Liverpool)
There was a time when Riise was synonymous with blistering shots bursting through the net and into someone’s face in the crowd, but this season he’s been more of an own goal specialist, with a stonker against Luton, and a bitch of a bouncer in the Champions League.

DC William Gallas (Arsenal)
Arsenal captains are strong proud men like Tony Adams and Patrick Viera, not whimpering cretins who flump off the pitch in tears or stage sit in protests for no reason whatsoever. A manchild.

DC Kolo Toure (Arsenal)
Toure was doing a fantastic job until he sloped off to Africa in January and lost all of his confidence. He then returned to Arsenal and started gifting people goals willy-nilly.

Was it the incident in a toilet that tore them apart?

Regardless of the upturned noses of the executives sitting around him, Mike Ashley has always insisted on wearing a Newcastle club strip to games (and in true Geordie fashion, he doesn’t even think about putting a jacket on when it gets chilly).

He chose to have Alan Smith’s squad number on the

She sounds posh, but her public steamrollering habits say otherwise

The night before England’s crucial qualifying match with Croatia at Wembley, the England squad stayed at the Grove Hotel in Watford, whose decor is more akin to a knocking shop than a top-class hotel. The same day, a group of models were attending a photoshoot for breast cancer awareness at the hotel, and the paths of ‘soccer ace’ Alan Smith and Sophie Bovington-Kerr collided. In a

The footballer lovin’ model is about to assault the music charts

Having been romantically affiliated with Marcus Bent, Alan Smith and Cristiano Ronaldo, glamour model Gemma Atkinson is a fully fledged member of the WAG circuit. The 23-year-old Manchester lass made her name on teen soap Hollyoaks, and has since bolstered a thoroughly impressive CV with appearances on

United striker immortalised in cheap wooden form

Like so many things in life, it’s the simple stuff that brings the purest joy. A child’s laughter, Lennie Bennett on the radio, Russian dolls. Especially Russian dolls. Like, in particular, this one from Latvia (pictured)

Hand carved by a slave (presumably), the outer shell showcases Wayne Rooney’s unearthly beauty contrasted against a proud Union Jack, and further delving unleashes a smaller Giggs, then a Ronaldo, and then a tiny little Alan Smith, complete with ugly gurning face and peroxide blonde hair. Perfect for a small child.

At only £30 (with an extra £12 piled on top for postage), this promises to grace your mantelpiece, then live happily in a dusty family attic for years to come.

For United fans only.