Liverpool captain gives his groin a good airing live on television

Alan Smith looks on with mild confusion as Steven Gerrard shows Jamie Redknapp the range of groin movement afforded by his super fierce tight suit.

[Spotted on Off The Post]

Because not everyone can be the star of the show

For every Premiership star, there is a gaggle of decidedly average teammates skulking about in his shadows. These players are neither outstanding nor terrible, they are simply hard workers with a tendency to go about their job with little fuss - probably because they don’t want to draw attention to their lack of class.

The Spoiler has lovingly compiled a starting  in tribute to these headline-dodging work horses, and no, it’s not just the Middlesbrough team…

GK: Kasper Schmeichel
City’s number two shot stopper isn’t a bad keeper, but he’s no class act - it probably doesn’t help that his dad was one of the best shot stoppers the Premier League has ever seen. It’s almost tragic at how much worse he is than Schmeichel senior but at ;east he is a better use of genetic material than George Best’s profesional moron son Calum.

RB: Phil Neville
The crappier Neville brother has represented England 59 times, and is Everton’s current captain. Yet he’s never been that good at anything other than tackling.

CB: Steven Taylor
The Newcastle defender has the odd impressive performance, but if he could sustain it, maybe Shay ‘I-have-to-face-way-too-many-shots-a-match’ Given would want to stay.

CB: Anton Ferdinand
They share the same parents, play at centre back, think dodgy braids are equally cool

King Kev having crisis talks with board

BBC Radio Newcastle are reporting that Kevin Keegan is currently having crisis talks with the club’s hierarchy after becoming frustrated by the sale of first-team players.

There are rumours circulating that he may have walked already and King Kev is now a tiny 1.38 (approximately 4/11) on Betfair to be the first Premier League manager to leave their post.

Man needs calculator…

Once again, Peter Kenyon has proved his worth as one of the lord God’s most unnecessary creations by insisting that Shevchenko might even have been a good bit of business for Chelsea.

“I’m not giving a lesson in accountancy,” he grumped, “but you do write money off over the term of a contract.”

It’s an interesting point. But, unfortunately, even without one of his important accountancy lessons, we can’t help but sense some slightly bad business in the sum below:

Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies

Chelsea have confirmed making a bid for Brazilian man-o’-sex Robinho (rumoured to be worth £19.7 million) but find themselves frustrated with Real Madrid’s failure to find a replacement, which is currently holding up proceedings. With Cristiano Ronaldo staying put and Wesley Sneijder out injured, this saga could be far from completion.

Kevin Doyle to Sunderland
Things were going great for Doyle. He impressed during his first Premier League season then was even linked with a move to Chelsea. What followed? A run of 21 games without a goal! Fear not though, Roy Keane is ready to offer him a second chance.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Sunderland and Doyle could prove a good match

Younes Kaboul to Aston Villa
Martin O’Neill has already signed

Just a question, not a declaration of war…

Alright, football fans, put the grenades down, and throw your machetes into a nearby hedge. The Spoiler knows the drill by now, your claws are out, and we can only apologise for the headline - we didn’t do it just to stir you into a frenzy of mouth frothing and blue language. We are not Liverpool fans (for the most part), we’re just looking at the facts. Perhaps once you’ve sobered up enough, you might find time to study them with us?

Firstly, Liverpool are the only Big Four team that no one ever wants to leave. Chelsea are struggling to keep Lampsie and Drog-drog interested, Hleb and Flamini couldn’t wait to scarper from North London, and even up in Manchester - supposedly home to the best team in Europe - Cristiano Ronaldo is champing at the bit to get away, and start afresh on a new set of local prostitutes. Probably Spanish ones.

Yet, over in the Merseyside city of Liverpool, no one can bear the thought of not coming home to Rafa Benitez’s warm womanly bosom, regardless of the fact that the city is about as far away from being a genuine European Capital of Culture as you can get (where next? Norwich?). Even Crouchie - a man with sophisticated tastes for things like oysters and Abbey Clancy - seemed reluctant to go south.

Who produces the world’s finest WAGs - America, or Europe?

After a fierce day of transatlantic sexiness, I am delighted to report that Europe is currently ahead in the inaugural US WAGs vs Euro WAGs tournament. After literally thousands of votes, Rosaria Cannavo gloriously defeated Jessica Simpson by a margin of 76 per cent on The Spoiler. Our gun-slinging chums from the big country also decided Rosaria had the edge, favouring her by a margin of 60 per cent at On205th.

Round Two: Lisa Dergan/ Gemma Atkinson

Today, Playboy model and TV personality Lisa Dergan takes on the former Hollyoaks beauty who has been passed around the Premiership like currency, Gemma Atkinson.

[click the image to get a better view]

Need more information before casting your vote? For more pictures of Lisa, click here, and for more of Gemma, click here and here

None of these men are the new Pele…

Everyone makes mistakes. After all, wasn’t it someone at Channel 4 who once thought it a delightful idea to lock a beautiful Indian woman in a room with a mob of angry racists? That didn’t quite work out as hoped. Other bad ideas have included - the quarter pounder WITHOUT cheese, fingerless gloves, blind chainsaw practice, and Davina McCall. All of those, however, pale in comparison to this little lot. Terrible decisions the lot of them.

GK Richard Wright
Looked so good when he was hurling himself around at the back for Ipwswich, but then he went to Arsenal and Everton, and proved beyond any reasonable doubt that he wasn’t a very good goalkeeper. Now, he’s not really wanted at West Ham, but everyone’s too scared to tell him. That’s what happens when you’re tall, people just whisper behind your back.

DL Wayne Bridge
That he’s been at Chelsea since 2003, happy to play second fiddle to the world’s second most irksome figure (behind Mugabe), Ashley Cole, tells you everything you need to know about Wayne Bridge. He doesn’t really want to play football.

DC Jonathan Woodgate
Real Madrid thought him worthy of £13.4 million, then he scored an own goal and got a red card on his debut. If anything, it’s been downhill from there. Made of balsa wood.