The players who won’t make the grade at their new clubs

In the spirit of writing people off at an unreasonably early stage of the season, we asked Spoiler correspondent Joe Thompson to list the top ten newbies who are likely to struggle in 2009/10. Thankfully, he obliged…

Alberto Aquilani
(Roma to Liverpool, £20m)
‘What?! I’ve seen him on YouTube, he’s a maestro! Great vision, long range shooting! Like Gerrard with nice hair!’ True, but he’s also crocked enough to make Darren Anderton look like The Terminator. In all competitions, he’s made 90 starts in five seasons. Look at the YouTube compilations again, he’s got a different haircut in every clip. OK, he’s Italian - it proves nothing- but he doesn’t play much. At £20m, Benitez has taken a massive gamble. By the time he plays it’ll be nearly Christmas, and a crunching (or even soft) tackle away at Stoke or Bolton might mean he’s glad to get back to the comfort of the treatment room.

Ronald Zubar
(Marseille to Wolves, undisclosed)
Very few players are immortalised in a football expression– The ‘Cruyff’ Turn, The ‘Blanco’ Bounce and ‘Zubrelances’. The latter is a term the Marseille faithful coined to describe Zubar’s regular defensive howlers. He’s played for France U-21’s, but then Titus Bramble also played U-21 football when he was clowning around at Newcastle. Mick McCarthy is already ‘pleading for patience’ with his new signing - Wolves fans are going to need it.

Roque Santa Cruz
(Blackburn Rovers to Man City, £17m)
Initially, this looked like a great match. Hughes had long been giving him the eye after re-launching his career

Also appearing on a computer near you…

An incredible Zep performance from one of The Spoiler’s favourite DVDs, and a fitting tribute to the legendary Les Paul, who died yesterday

After failing to persuade Cesc Fabregas to force a transfer, Barcelona now want Emmanuel Eboue. Which is a bit like failing to buy a Maserati and getting a 1986 Ford Escort instead
[Daily Mail]

The top ten football iPhone apps
[t3.com]

Landon Donovan and David Beckham better stop kissing and making up, as the American has swine flu
[Deadspin]

Aquilani will be worth the wait, says Aquilani
[The Guardian]

Fernando Torres has signed a new contract to keep him at Anfield until 2013
[The Telegraph]

Michela Quattrociocche is an excellent addition to the Premier League’s WAG roster for 2009/10
[Metro]

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Joleon Lescott to Manchester City
The Times are reporting that the Everton defender spoke to manager David Moyes yesterday to tell him that he wants to join Manchester City and spent the evening writing a letter to chairman Bill Kenwright.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: It’s claimed that the Toffees are holding out for £30 million but an offer of £22 million may prove too good to turn down for England’s fourth-choice centre-back.

Alberto Aquilani to Liverpool
The Spanish press were reporting yesterday that Liverpool have reached an

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Xabi Alonso to Chelsea or Manchester City
The Spaniard’s oft-discussed transfer to Real Madrid appears to have stalled, and the Daily Mail believe at least two Premiership clubs are inquiring after his services. Manchester City and Chelsea have both reportedly been in touch with the midfielder’s agents, having first made contact a month ago.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Madrid are unlikely to match Liverpool’s £35m asking price, but neither Chelsea nor Manchester City would have such a problem. However, with Liverpool having a very decent shout at the title this year, we can’t really see Alonso moving to a Premiership rival.

Alberto Aquilani to Liverpool
In the event of Alonso’s departure, Senor Benitez may snap up Roma’s hot-headed midfielder. The cash-strapped Italians would reportedly demand no less than £18m for the 25-year-old.

Italy’s proud tradition of extraordinarily hot WAGs continues

Twenty-year-old actress Michela Quattrociocche shot to fame in Italy in 2008, after her debut film Scusa ma ti chiamo amore (’Sorry if I love you‘) was a big success. She has done little else of note since, except boff Roma ladies man Alberto Aquilani.

An Miss Italy finalist who’s also a WAG? Surely some mistake…

When he isn’t brawling with teammates, Roma and Italy midfielder Alberto Aquilani loves nothing better than keeping company with beauty pageant-types. Before he caught the attention of Miss Italy 2003 Francesca Chillemi, he stepped out with Miss World 2002 contestant Pamela Camassa.

All of today’s rumours in one easy-to-use list thing

Well that’s it, the football seasons have ended throughout Europe… sorry, hang on, what’s that Scotland? Yours hasn’t finished? Hmmm, is it going to be Rangers or Celtic? Well, there’s a shock. Some might argue that your football season never really starts or ends. But enough of this zany metaphysical talk, what’s been going on in Transfer Land?

Frank Lampard to Inter Milan
Whenever it sounds like Jose Mourinho is close to picking up his sheriffs badge and polishing his six shooter, ready to rejoin the world of the employed, everyone starts frothing at the mouth and insisting that, well, that’s it, Lampard and Drogba will definitely be going to Italy after all. He’s not their dad, you know.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Simple maths? Probably not, Columbo.

Mario Gomez to Newcastle
There is talk of Germany’s new star joining the pantheon of greats, like Jon-Dahl Tomasson, Albert Luque, Alan Smith, Warren Barton… the list is very long.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: One word Mario: don’t do it!

A Miss Italy who dates a footballer? Surely not

Due to a trend started by good ol’ George Best in the sixties, the most popular occupation of your typical WAG of the Day appears to be ‘beauty queen’: Miss Italy 2003 Francesca Chillemi joins Aída Yéspica, Vincenza Cacace, Elisabetta Gregoraci and Giorgia Palmas in the realm of competitive goodlookingness. Francesca’s efforts have been rewarded not only with a crown and scepter, but also the affections of Cagliari Calcio’s Vincenzo Marruocco and more recently Roma’s sass-mouthed midfielder Alberto Aquilani.