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Apple inadvertently get some good publicity at Cowboys Stadium
[SportsByBrooks]

Cheryl Cole wants to buy Newcastle Utd and buy Ashley Cole
[Off The Post]

Chelsea’s official team photographer is clearly a groin fan
[MRWF]

Ian Wright accused of ‘raping’ South Africa of its talent
[Daily Mail]

LA Galaxy are interested in Raymond Domenech’s best mate Thierry Henry
[Goal.com]

Alex Hleb realises he probably shouldn’t have left Arsenal
[The Independent]

David Beckham is to blame for the Lescott boo boys
[The Telegraph]

Melanie Slade in German FHM
[Caught Offside]

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Arsenal winger introduces hot tennis pro to world of Waggery

The summer departure of whiney winger Alex Hleb from Arsenal was good news for two reasons - not only did he make way for Marseille’s Samir Nasri, but the Frenchman introduced another top class WAG to the Premiership. Professional tennis star Tatiana Golovin - better known in London for upsetting stuffy Wimbledon officials with her bright red pants - has been dating Nasri since May.

England have nonsensical breakfast, apparently

Former Arsenal midfielder Alex Hleb has compared Fabio Capello’s leadership of the England national team to a communist regime. The Barcelona player will face England next week when he represents Belarus in Minsk. He said:

“Nothing can be achieved with restrictions and bans. The most important thing is the atmosphere in the team.”

“It seems that there is some kind of communism going on. For example, Capello says the players’ breakfast is not from 8 till 9am but strictly at 8.15! It’s all nonsense.”

I don’t recall Hleb ever getting a call up to Fabio Capello’s England squad, which means there is a spy in our ranks. An informant is squealing to the Belarus national team about our every move. Comrade Capello’s communist secret police will soon find the mole.

Gunners Alumni continue to face misfortune

Whether Arsene Wenger has developed a knack for selling players at exactly the right moment, or there is some genuine witchcraft going on, it seems that Arsenal players who move on to ‘better their careers’ don’t seem to be able to live up to expectations.

When making his home debut for Barcelona at the weekend, delicate little flower Alex Hleb was forced off the pitch with an ankle injury that will keep him out of action for three or four weeks.

Also facing misfortune during Barcelona’s 1-1 draw with racing Santander at the weekend was Thierry Henry, who was left out of the squad following a disappointing display in a 1-0 defeat to La Liga newbies Numancia two weeks ago.

Continuing the trend of stars who have failed to live up to the form and success they experienced in a red and white shirt is Mathieu Flamini, who has thus far failed to set Serie A alight with Milan, who are maintaining a 100 per cent league loss record so far. Also, when the Frenchman’s former colleagues travel to the Ukraine to begin the Champions League campaign proper,

Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies

Alexander Hleb’s quest to earn the eternal hatred of Arsenal fans has gained further momentum today, as he told the world that Cesc Fabregas helped convince him of the pleasantries of Barcelona life, before hinting that the Spanish super sub may be joining him in Catalonia soon. The Spoiler sees it as a distinct possibility in a year or two, but for now, Cesc will surely remain at the Emirates.

Claude Makelele to PSG
The ageing Chelsea midfielder is ready to follow Ludovic Giuly and Lillian Thuram to Paris as the French side look to bring together a team strong enough to challenge for the European Masters Cup over the next few years.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: A done deal

Didier Drogba to Barcelona
Following Makelele out of the door could be Double D, who kindly told Chelsea that if nobody better comes in for him over the next few days he will sign a new contract. He has ducked out of Chelsea’s tour of China with a knee problem, prompting speculation he is leaving.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Scolari insists he is staying put

Andy Johnson to Fulham
The Cottagers have now decided

It’s all quiet on the rumour and gossip front today, folks

It’s a slow day transfer-wise, but we are pleased to announce that the podgy Egyptian forward Mido is no longer on the Marlon Brando career path. After apologising to Boro fans for weighing more than a medium sized aircraft last season, he has shed two stone. Bravo, sir.

Elsewhere, a former Newcastle player could be heading for military combat, and Lamps is still deciding if he should run off into the sunset with the Special One…

Emre Belezoğlu to the army
The Newcastle midfielder was depressed enough about the prospect of going back to Turkey to play for Fenerbahce, but now he may miss out on football altogether as he is wanted by his country’s army.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Who are they at war with anyway?

Alexander Hleb to Barcelona
It looks like Hleb’s heart is set on a move to quiet, peaceful Barcelona after feeling violated by the harshness of noisy London. (It’ll be fantastic when he realises the Spanish city is pretty much the noisiest place in the world.)

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Looks like he’s ready to pull a Reyes

Frank Lampard to Inter
Chelsea would love to give him £135,000-a-week but soon-to-be-30 Frank Lampard wants it for four straight years, while

Today’s transfer gossip, assessed and dissected just for you

Precious little Alex Hleb last month claimed his sensitive eardrums couldn’t handle the bustle of urban life in London, and he now seeks a more serene atmosphere. If the rumours of a move to Barcelona are true, however, he will find anything but the peace and quiet he seeks: in the Catalan city, honking at all hours is considered a national pastime, shouting is the preferred method of communication and the bars are completely full of loutish British stag parties every weekend. Enjoy the relative calm of London while you can, Alex.

Alex Hleb to Barcelona or maybe Bayern Munich
The honeymooning star has been linked with absolutely everyone in the past few weeks, even Rushden and Diamonds have a shot at landing him. His agent says: “The only transfer Alexander is making at the moment is from the hotel to the beach and back.”

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’ll be linked to AC or Roma tomorrow

Gareth Barry to Liverpool
Those Real Madrid-esque bullies, using Steven Gerrard as bait, have finally turned Barry’s head and the Villa captain has told his club he wants out. Liverpool are expected to up their offer today.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Seems likely now

Justin Hoyte to Aston Villa
A miserable day for Villa fans may get worse if they sign Arsenal’s other Englishman. You know, the guy that plays even less than Theo Walcott and sometimes gets in the Arsenal League Cup team.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: If it gets any bleaker, O’Leary will be back!

Luis Felipe Scolari to Chelsea
“Big Phil” has revealed