Greedy Cameroonian cut out of Ibrahimovic swap deal

For the past few days, Barcelona have been trying their best to tempt over-rated Swede Zlatan Ibrahimovic away from Inter Milan, by offering Samuel Eto’o and €40m to the Serie A side.

Spanish paper Marca, however, are now reporting that the Catalan giants are completely fed up with the Cameroonian’s behaviour and extraordinary demands, and so will offer €75m and Alexander Hleb instead.

It looks like Eto’o may now destined to rot on the Nou Camp bench.

We’re going to go and lie down for a bit - that sudden rush of schadenfreude was a little overwhelming…

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Zlatan Ibrahimovic to Barcelona
Spanish paper Sport believe the Catalonians have already signed the over-rated Swede for €40m plus Samuel Eto’o and Alexander Hleb on loan. Joan Laporta and his cronies reportedly reached an agreement at around midnight last night.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: The rest of the Spanish press are saying the deal is imminent rather than complete, but it looks like it’s happening. Inter won’t be detterred by Eto’o’s greed as Mourinho loves him almost as much as he loves Drogba.

Alvaro Negredo to Tottenham
Determined to sign some sort of Real Madrid striker this summer, Spurs are set to shell out £15m for the 23-year-old. Spanish paper AS say a deal based around a four-year contract will be complete within 48 hours.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Looks like Darren Bent

Today’s rumours, gossip and damned lies

Various whispers suggest arrogant winger David Bentley is no longer a target for the Big Four coffers, and will join Tottenham today. We’re desperately hoping it’s true after a weekend where the biggest transfer news was Watford’s Danny Shittu rejecting a move to Rangers…

Brad Friedel to Aston Villa
Spurs are supposed to be shifting shifting Paul Robinson over to Blackburn as part of the Bentley deal, and Paul Ince has so much faith in the slippery-fingered one that he will offload Friedel to Aston Villa.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: The only thing Robinson has over Friedel is youth. Sort of.

Ronaldinho to Man City
Citeh have made an £18 million bid (controversially via email, not the Premier League’s preferred communication method of fax) but you get the impression that he would arrive reluctantly, possibly with a roll of fifty pound notes shoved in his mouth to silence the screams. Ronaldinho’s camp have allegedly leaked the deal in a desperate attempt to get Milan to bid and save him.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He wants to go to Milan but it looks like they can’t match Man City’s offer. You couldn’t have dreamt of reading that sentence a year ago.

Alexander Hleb to Barcelona
One irritating saga that is finally reaching its conclusion is Hleb’s great escape

Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies

Inter have allegedly decided how much they wish to spend on Frank Lampard, but the newspapers have invented three different prices ranging from £8-11 million, while the Daily Star claim there has been no offer at all.

Despite all the signs to the contrary, however, Big Phil Scolari has claimed there is no chance of Lamps reuniting with his former lover Jose Mourinho this season.

Alexander Hleb to Barcelona
Hleb has confirmed he wants to leave because his style of play (brilliant one minute, woeful the next) doesn’t match Arsene Wenger’s. He also decided to take a dig at Cesc Fabregas, who wanted him to stay, by calling him selfish.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He will leave, with Barca his preferred destination

Didier Drogba to stay
The Blues are begging someone to pay the reasonable enough sum of £24 million (just £200,000 more than they paid) for the Ivory Coast striker but nobody is willing to show him some love.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Milan may renew their interest

Tottenham Reserves to Blackburn
Juande Ramos is so desperate

Well, the great news, Arsenal, is that it isn’t your football that is making Hleb want to leave you - no, he loves the style of play - it’s your city, your home, your people. They’re the problem.

Like most agents, the man who does all of Hleb’s talking (Nikolai Shpilevski) doesn’t like to put words in anyones mouth, but still chose to air exactly what is going on in the busy mind of the bendy-legged Arsenal man, at least as far as he can tell.

“Alexander is just tired of the noisy and chaotic life in the British capital and feels like living in calmer surroundings,” he sighed, “if any clubs want to add Hleb to their ranks they should talk to Arsenal.”

WAG gives strong indication that contract battles are nearly over

There’s a whole lotta kerfuffle over Alex Hleb and his contract buyout, but his wife - former WAG of the Day and Belarusian popstar Anastasia Kosenkova - has given the strongest indication yet that Professor Wenger is losing his battle to keep the midfielder.

According to a source at her fancy-pants Esporta gym, Anastacia cancelled her membership yesterday. Could a toned starlet with such hard-to-maintain abs live without her plush workout space? Of course not, but there are plenty of high end fitness clubs in Northern Italy…

Inspiring WAG and rude-sounding girl band member

Alexander Hleb has put in some career-defining performances this season, and according to his gaffer Arsene Wenger, the Soviet midfielder can thank his wife Anastacia Kosenkova for his resurgence:

“[Wenger] told me to pass on his gratitude to my wife! He told me he knew how she had helped me to regain my confidence. I was completely surprised he thinks about such details.

“And he was right, my wife has helped me a lot. I married a year ago and since she came over to live with me, everything seems easier to me. I’m not totally happy with my performances. But I have started to believe in myself again.”