Hey, we love Hollywood… but that’s about it

Let’s not mince our words - some things about America are brilliant. They’ve given us cheeseburgers (pictured), The Wire, James Brown, sex scandals, trainers, plastic surgery, meat on a stick, wise cracking children, cheerleaders and war. But, that’s no excuse to ever let them host a football World Cup again. Here’s a list of reasons why that would be a rubbish idea:

1. They HATE football

Rather arrogantly, they play the baseball “World Series” every year, ignoring the fact that the rest of the world prefers a slower version called rounders (great for a flirtatious summer picnic, by the way). But basketball is their number one - essentially giants playing catch. Also high on their radar is American Football, golf, athletics, and gentlemen wrestling in leotards. Real football barely even computes.

David Beckham has almost ticked every box on his Great American Checklist.

1. Befriend Tom Cruise - check.
2. Take the wife shopping in NEW YORK - check
3. Buy a massive car like the one in that R Kelly video - check.
4. Eat a great big meat loaf in secret - check

AND YESTERDAY…

5. Get slowly approached by a cop on a motorbike, just like the ones in Chips - check. (pictured)

Have Britain’s top celebrities grown sick of the taste of glitter?

It feels like David and Victoria Beckham have hardly been in LA for long enough to get the curtains up in the spare room, but if a report in OK! magazine is to be believed – and why wouldn’t it? – they are already suffering from that crippling syndrome that can hit celebrity and riff-raff alike: boredom.

“He’d be very happy if someone would buy out his Galaxy contract,” a source helpfully whispered to the magazine, as he would like to be closer to his family. Heaven knows the idea of five years of nitwit celebrities chewing your ear off about their silly projects is not one that anyone this side of sanity should be expected to endure, but while we’re on the subject of people in their right mind, who does he think is going to take over that NASA-sized contract?

Adding to the desire to return to the UK,

According to the man who ruined England

Steve McClaren has been relatively quiet since he cancelled summer 2008, but the orange one has piped up this week in order to criticise David Beckham’s move to the States:

“David has gone from Real Madrid to a club in America where

Fan discovers way to proclaim allegiance and deflect alien messages simultaneously.

The habits of foreign sports fans can be a little baffling at times, especially those in America. Perhaps to overcompensate for his compatriots’ unfathomable habit of wearing the shirts and caps of teams they don’t