All the latest transfer rumours, gossip and damn lies

The mire of spurious summer transfers has thrown up an interesting player/ club combination today: according to the rumour vine, Andriy Shevchenko could be on his way to warming Barcelona’s bench in the near future. To compensate for selling approximately 57 attacking players this summer, Barca want to bring the Ukrainian in on a season-long loan, which means they pay no transfer fee but Chelsea get him off the wage bill. With the Milan option fading, he may just have to take this one.

Emmanuel Adebayor to Chelsea
New stories every day tell us the same stuff about Ronaldo, Ronaldinho and Drogba, so it’s nice to see the press get more inventive. Chelsea want shot of Drogba and it seems they view Adebayor as the perfect replacement.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Surely he won’t do an Ashley Cole

Robbie Keane to Liverpool
Could a (reasonably) big club have finally realised Robbie Keane is one of the best strikers in the Premier League and that despite Berbatov’s moments of brilliance, Keane works harder and is more consistent?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: May want to stick around at Spurs this season

Gareth Barry to Liverpool
One transfer saga that definitely looks

Reserve striker calling the shots at the Bridge

According to this morning’s Independent, the top brass at Chelsea are showing their football nous by giving peripheral benchwarmer Andriy Shevchenko an important role in selecting the next team manager. The West London club are still keen on hiring Milan’s Carlo Ancelotti (you know, the chap who has turned them down a couple of times already), and the man who couldn’t persuade his way into the first team has been asked to persuade the Italian:

The 31-year-old striker is one of several people Abramovich has consulted over the recruitment of a new coach and is understood to have urged him to carry on with his pursuit of the man he played under at Milan, despite being rebuffed last week.

Originally Abramovich had only intended to speak to Ancelotti to ask him his opinion on who he should appoint but, under the advice of Shevchenko among others, he decided to offer the 48-year-old the post.

In other news, the groundsman who punched Patrice Evra has been asked to lure Samuel Eto’o to the club, while a 17-year-old girl who works at a burger stand in the Shed End will be holding interviews for a new marketing director.

All of today’s transfers, just for you…

And so Big Brother kicks off again tonight, supposedly featuring a whopping sixteen new faces for you to fantasise about destroying/licking. All of them are sure to have one thing in common - their friends describe them as “wacky” or “bubbly”, or any other such made-up term to avoid saying what they really think. They’re cretins, and “wacky” is just another word for “cu… what’s that? Transfer news? Oh go on then…

Xabi Alonso to Juventus
Imagine standing silently in the room watching your ex-girlfriend heavily petting with her new man - she left you damn it! Great, now your blood is actually boiling. Okay, now put the plank down, take a breath, rinse the sweat from your shirt, and times that feeling by two - that’s exactly how Alonso will feel when Barry trots into Anfield next season. Xavi, go, don’t look back. Run like the wind.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’ll go

Aliaksandr Hleb to Barcelona
Silly Hleb, he was only going to Italy for the paella, now he’s realised it’s a Spanish dish! What a wally! Or, more accurately, Mourinho doesn’t seem keen, Barcelona do.

Lamps and Shevchenko clearly didn’t read the memo

Yes, it’s the time of year when the overpaid megastars of the Premiership wear even stupider clothes than usual, and it was Chelsea’s turn to ring in the festive season in London last night.

While some players got in the spirit by donning fancy dress (see JT and Pizarro below), others treated it like a casual night out. Princess Frank wore his normal Princess attire, with socks rolled all the way up in order to please Fabio Capello.

Andriy Shevchenko is under the impression it’s still 1994, and wore a baggy rollneck accordingly.

John Terry had a tough time picking between